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Reply With Quote!beast (Feb 03, 2010)
Winding Time. Uh... Yeah. Please tell me what you all think.
I sat once,
In a room made of cold,
In a house made of fire,
With no one to hold.
Some man quoth the raven,
With his articulate sayings afloat,
I sat in my corner and then,
Looked up simply to watch the man gloat.
He spent years in my room made of cold,
Telling me of his great wit.
Until he like the others froze,
And I thought no more of it.
I sat in my room with a man,
A beautiful crystalline corpse.
He had come in to show me his body,
Lifting my face by force.
He stared me in the eyes and took me.
Forced me to touch every inch.
Forced me to to take all his warmth in.
I did so with naught but a grin.
Now he still stands before me.
As beautiful as can be.
I shall admire him forever.
Nothing lives in this room but me.
But the men here shall never stop smiling.
As their frozen eyes stare upon me.
Time unbending, yet winding.
Chained to a rail, yet free.
I watch the beautiful wither.
I watch the hunter fall prey.
The Princess?
It is I who shall kill her.
The Princess.
It is I who locked her away.
So I sit in my room made of cold,
Surrounded by my house made of fire.
But you all remain inside me,
And inside me,
You shall all expire.
-Taryn
Just stay close to me.
!beast (Feb 03, 2010)
Interesting and an impressive use of rhyme. Still not quite sure what you are but the subject matter is fascinating and dark, but it is a bit too long. Still very good.
Taryn (Feb 03, 2010)
A bit disturbing, but impressive nonetheless. I didn't understand some of the metaphors, but it seems lonely, depressing, and as beast aptly put it: dark. And scary. I like it. xD
What? You've never seen a talking cabbage before? Well, if you were a bit more open minded, then maybe you WOULD have.
Taryn (Feb 03, 2010)
I'm glad the pair of you enjoyed it. Thank you for commenting. I didn't know whether or not it was a good piece, but seeing your posts, I now think it's goo enough.
Thanks again/
Just stay close to me.
This makes me think of a necrphiliac morgue attendant's lament while high on embalming fluid. Or the morgue itself and it's lament. I'm not sure.
The princess thing, though, doesn't make much sense to me though.
I like this poem. I find it refreshing. Tells a better story than most poems I see on here. Get rid of the "princess" lines (cause, face it, no one will miss them.), and I give this poem an A+.
NoT tHe SiGgY yOu R lOOkInG 4
Move Along.
Taryn (Feb 03, 2010)
Ugh... I can not even begin to tell you how annoyed I am by folks who cant tolerate poetry with length beyond a haiku. *rolls eyes.
Ok, this is some of the best work I've seen in years of my membership here. It wasn't self explanatory... Which made it suspenseful. And in fact the curiosity it left me with made the length more than tolerable. It leaves so much room for the readers mind to play with the piece. And yet, you express enough to give the piece a sinister kind of vibe.
... Not Ever Again...
Taryn (Feb 03, 2010)
Ah, great! ^_^Originally Posted by Peach_follows
I'm finally starting to leave the effect I intend. I'm glad you enjoyed the vibe, and I hope to bring a few more poems of mine to the forum if I manage to get inspired at some point in the near future.
Thank you all for the comments and the criticisms. It just helps me grow.
Just stay close to me.
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