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Thread: yet i still love

  1. #1
    Newbie Alondra is off to a good start Alondra's Avatar
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    yet i still love

    I waited so long for you to come my way,
    getting back together just waiting for that day.

    It hurts so much,
    I just miss your touch.

    The way you played with my hair,
    I miss it it's not fair.

    Where did things go wrong oh yea you cheated,
    you made my weaknesses strong I thought I had defeated.

    I crumbled to the ground,
    you were no where around.

    You said I was it,
    now it don't mean shit!

    You said I was like "gold",
    was that just another lie you told?

    I look so sad and feel so guarded,
    emotions you shared it was overwhelming almost bombarded.

    It felt so good,
    trust you i just wish i could.

    You're still kickin' rocks,
    just to let you know i give you props!

    You act as if it's ok,
    you're right I realized it's just another day!

    I don't want to feel this pain,
    my dignity thats what I have to gain!

    You tell me lets be together,
    a week is that what you call forever!?

    I cant stand it anymore,
    you keep waliking walk out that door.

    You leave me standing,
    wanting and demanding.

    To be strong I look for guidance from above,
    but I don't get it it's you that yet I still love....
    Last edited by Alondra; Dec 06, 2007 at 04:40 PM. Reason: missed some words

  2. #2
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: yet i still love

    Way to vent your frustration/pain, Alondra! I can relate to your poem (only a little bit though, our situations are slightly different). The structure is a bit... blah (for a lack of better words), and you kinda made this in to a run-on sentence. You're missing mad periods and commas, but it's still an okay piece of writing--grammatical errors aside.

    Good to see you releasing your emotions in a good way. I hope to read more poems--if ya got 'em in ya--and I'm sure hoping to see some punctuation next time around, LOL.


  3. #3
    Newbie Alondra is off to a good start Alondra's Avatar
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    Re: yet i still love

    i was free writing whatevr came to mind i just wrote it wasnt reall caring about the grammatical errors so leave me be!!lol

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    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: yet i still love

    Quote Originally Posted by Alondra View Post
    i was free writing whatevr came to mind i just wrote it wasnt reall caring about the grammatical errors so leave me be!!lol
    Well you should care about grammar. Bad grammar makes folks look ignorant. You should keep that in mind, La.


  5. #5
    Newbie Alondra is off to a good start Alondra's Avatar
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    Re: yet i still love

    lol like i said i was writing as it came out leave me alone

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    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Re: yet i still love

    Free writing is a really good way to get your feelings out. But when your posting for criticism and comments you should go back and add punctuation and suchness. Just because it makes the work easier to read, and that much better. Would you wanna read something written just like that out of a book? you'd be mad and throw it at the sellers head. Lol.

    "you tell me lets be together
    a week is that what you call forever"
    Was a particularly strongly felt statment to me. Made my tummy wrench a little bit.

    Overall I loved the way this rhymed and the feelings you conveyed throughout. Keep it up lady!

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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    Newbie Alondra is off to a good start Alondra's Avatar
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    Re: yet i still love

    Quote Originally Posted by bratling View Post
    Free writing is a really good way to get your feelings out. But when your posting for criticism and comments you should go back and add punctuation and suchness. Just because it makes the work easier to read, and that much better. Would you wanna read something written just like that out of a book? you'd be mad and throw it at the sellers head. Lol.

    "you tell me lets be together
    a week is that what you call forever"
    Was a particularly strongly felt statment to me. Made my tummy wrench a little bit.

    Overall I loved the way this rhymed and the feelings you conveyed throughout. Keep it up lady!

    i understand what your sayin i dont really know why i havent gone back and changed it but thank you for taking a look at it and leaving a comments!!

  8. #8
    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Re: yet i still love

    how could I not? I gots love for the La La, and I didn't know you wrote so I had to comment when I realized you did, and well at that.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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