yet i still love

Alondra · Dec 01, 2007, 11:43 PM

I waited so long for you to come my way,
getting back together just waiting for that day.

It hurts so much,
I just miss your touch.

The way you played with my hair,
I miss it it's not fair.

Where did things go wrong oh yea you cheated,
you made my weaknesses strong I thought I had defeated.

I crumbled to the ground,
you were no where around.

You said I was it,
now it don't mean shit!

You said I was like "gold",
was that just another lie you told?

I look so sad and feel so guarded,
emotions you shared it was overwhelming almost bombarded.

It felt so good,
trust you i just wish i could.

You're still kickin' rocks,
just to let you know i give you props!

You act as if it's ok,
you're right I realized it's just another day!

I don't want to feel this pain,
my dignity thats what I have to gain!

You tell me lets be together,
a week is that what you call forever!?

I cant stand it anymore,
you keep waliking walk out that door.

You leave me standing,
wanting and demanding.

To be strong I look for guidance from above,
but I don't get it it's you that yet I still love....

*atomik_sprout* · Dec 02, 2007, 03:03 PM

Way to vent your frustration/pain, Alondra! I can relate to your poem (only a little bit though, our situations are slightly different). The structure is a bit... blah (for a lack of better words), and you kinda made this in to a run-on sentence. You're missing mad periods and commas, but it's still an okay piece of writing--grammatical errors aside.

Good to see you releasing your emotions in a good way. I hope to read more poems--if ya got 'em in ya--and I'm sure hoping to see some punctuation next time around, LOL.

Alondra · Dec 02, 2007, 03:44 PM

i was free writing whatevr came to mind i just wrote it wasnt reall caring about the grammatical errors so leave me be!!lol

*atomik_sprout* · Dec 03, 2007, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alondra

i was free writing whatevr came to mind i just wrote it wasnt reall caring about the grammatical errors so leave me be!!lol

Well you should care about grammar. Bad grammar makes folks look ignorant. You should keep that in mind, La.

Alondra · Dec 03, 2007, 01:04 PM

lol like i said i was writing as it came out leave me alone

bratling · Dec 06, 2007, 03:40 AM

Free writing is a really good way to get your feelings out. But when your posting for criticism and comments you should go back and add punctuation and suchness. Just because it makes the work easier to read, and that much better. Would you wanna read something written just like that out of a book? you'd be mad and throw it at the sellers head. Lol.

"you tell me lets be together
a week is that what you call forever"
Was a particularly strongly felt statment to me. Made my tummy wrench a little bit.

Overall I loved the way this rhymed and the feelings you conveyed throughout. Keep it up lady!

Alondra · Dec 06, 2007, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bratling

Free writing is a really good way to get your feelings out. But when your posting for criticism and comments you should go back and add punctuation and suchness. Just because it makes the work easier to read, and that much better. Would you wanna read something written just like that out of a book? you'd be mad and throw it at the sellers head. Lol.

"you tell me lets be together
a week is that what you call forever"
Was a particularly strongly felt statment to me. Made my tummy wrench a little bit.

Overall I loved the way this rhymed and the feelings you conveyed throughout. Keep it up lady!

i understand what your sayin i dont really know why i havent gone back and changed it but thank you for taking a look at it and leaving a comments!!

bratling · Dec 07, 2007, 12:03 AM

how could I not? I gots love for the La La, and I didn't know you wrote so I had to comment when I realized you did, and well at that.

Dec 01, 2007, 11:43 PM	#1 (permalink)
Alondra Newbie Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: downtowm minneapolis Posts: 20 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,379	yet i still love I waited so long for you to come my way, getting back together just waiting for that day. It hurts so much, I just miss your touch. The way you played with my hair, I miss it it's not fair. Where did things go wrong oh yea you cheated, you made my weaknesses strong I thought I had defeated. I crumbled to the ground, you were no where around. You said I was it, now it don't mean shit! You said I was like "gold", was that just another lie you told? I look so sad and feel so guarded, emotions you shared it was overwhelming almost bombarded. It felt so good, trust you i just wish i could. You're still kickin' rocks, just to let you know i give you props! You act as if it's ok, you're right I realized it's just another day! I don't want to feel this pain, my dignity thats what I have to gain! You tell me lets be together, a week is that what you call forever!? I cant stand it anymore, you keep waliking walk out that door. You leave me standing, wanting and demanding. To be strong I look for guidance from above, but I don't get it it's you that yet I still love.... Last edited by Alondra; Dec 06, 2007 at 04:40 PM. Reason: missed some words
Status: Offline

Dec 02, 2007, 03:03 PM	#2 (permalink)
atomik_sprout Verbal Vandal Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Minneapolis, MN Posts: 2,110 Thanks: 62 Thanked 76 Times in 70 Posts Credits: 125,196	Re: yet i still love Way to vent your frustration/pain, Alondra! I can relate to your poem (only a little bit though, our situations are slightly different). The structure is a bit... blah (for a lack of better words), and you kinda made this in to a run-on sentence. You're missing mad periods and commas, but it's still an okay piece of writing--grammatical errors aside. Good to see you releasing your emotions in a good way. I hope to read more poems--if ya got 'em in ya--and I'm sure hoping to see some punctuation next time around, LOL. __________________ http://www.myspace.com/boondocksamurai
Status: Offline

Dec 02, 2007, 03:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
Alondra Newbie Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: downtowm minneapolis Posts: 20 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,379	Re: yet i still love i was free writing whatevr came to mind i just wrote it wasnt reall caring about the grammatical errors so leave me be!!lol
Status: Offline

Dec 03, 2007, 01:04 PM	#5 (permalink)
Alondra Newbie Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: downtowm minneapolis Posts: 20 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,379	Re: yet i still love lol like i said i was writing as it came out leave me alone
Status: Offline

Dec 06, 2007, 03:40 AM	#6 (permalink)
bratling Sugar sweet poison Join Date: May 2007 Location: Crystal Minnesota. Posts: 517 Thanks: 0 Thanked 25 Times in 24 Posts Credits: 13,000	Re: yet i still love Free writing is a really good way to get your feelings out. But when your posting for criticism and comments you should go back and add punctuation and suchness. Just because it makes the work easier to read, and that much better. Would you wanna read something written just like that out of a book? you'd be mad and throw it at the sellers head. Lol. "you tell me lets be together a week is that what you call forever" Was a particularly strongly felt statment to me. Made my tummy wrench a little bit. Overall I loved the way this rhymed and the feelings you conveyed throughout. Keep it up lady! __________________ She's always trying not to cry. But I can see the demons in her eyes. She's always trying not to yell. But you see to her, she's trapped in hell.
Status: Offline

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Dec 07, 2007, 12:03 AM	#8 (permalink)
bratling Sugar sweet poison Join Date: May 2007 Location: Crystal Minnesota. Posts: 517 Thanks: 0 Thanked 25 Times in 24 Posts Credits: 13,000	Re: yet i still love how could I not? I gots love for the La La, and I didn't know you wrote so I had to comment when I realized you did, and well at that. __________________ She's always trying not to cry. But I can see the demons in her eyes. She's always trying not to yell. But you see to her, she's trapped in hell.
Status: Offline

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