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Thread: with you

  1. #1
    Newbie Evil Angel is off to a good start Evil Angel's Avatar
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    with you

    when i am with u i my heart is filled with joy.
    my feelings for u overflow.your words are my
    weakness.you make me mumble and stumble
    on my every word.
    ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
    And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
    ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
    And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

  2. #2
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: with you

    Hmmm... nice and short... And simple... it's nice.

    If you would continue it it would become more moving and would perfectly explain wonderful feelings,this is something I would keep in my diary untill I have the wish to make it longer...
    And also the lines are a bit odd... I would make each sentence as one line...

    This really is nice ^^ I enjoyed reading it and will hope to see more. you could say I said all those things just to make this post more usefull... It's actually very enjoyable to read...

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Evil Angel (Dec 18, 2007)

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    Rawr~ :3 Boxteroid Champion, flyplane Champion, Home Run Champion, Bubbelfutsch Champion, Fire Fighter Champion, Brendans Soccer Champion, Movie Star Match-Up Champion, Total blackout Champion, Text Your Reflexes Champion, Scary movie Champion, Hulk Smash Up Champion, Star Wars Champion, Extreme Snowboarding Champion, Air Disc Champion, Action Fish Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, Battleball Champion, Hacky Sack Champion, FAD 2003 Champion, SQRL Golf Champion, Dr Yeckyl and Mr Ride Champion, Sky Glide Champion, Flyer Champion, Finnair Champion, Drachenjagd Champion, Canyon Glider Champion, City Surfing Champion, Action Driving Game Champion, Extreme Rowing Champion, Kardahdg Champion, Acceleracers Track Mod Champion, Final Test Champion, Du Wichtel Champion, Pedal Power Champion, Camera Killer 2 Champion, Bike Mania on ICE Champion, ATV Winter Challenge Champion, Caliber Dash Champion, Diesel and Death Champion, Snow Ride Champion, Camera Killer Champion, Pepsi Jet Ski Champion, Bumper Cars Championship Champion, Drifting Champion, Get A Grip Champion, Rooney on the Rampage Champion, Death To Ninja Champion, Kung Fu Hustle 2 Champion, Muay Thai Champion, Metal Arm FAWEGE Champion, Knife Champion, Classroom Fighter Champion, Nobuyuki Forces 3 Champion, Caddeva Champion, Sewer Dweller Champion, Angel Mart Champion, Snowy Champion, Bola Champion, Boiler Room Champion, Bobcat Champion, Amazon Quest Champion, Booty Champion, Five Errors Champion, Mind Your Marbles Champion, Angel Fruit Champion, Binggrae Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Imperial tiles Champion, Himalayaya - Yeti Strikes Back Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Americas Army Champion, Special Operations Champion, Destroy the robots Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Battle Field Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Army Copter Champion, Flat War Champion, Terrorist Alert Champion, Bully Basher Champion, Reaktor Champion, Bungee Rescue Champion, The Contraptor Champion, Boris Champion, Carling Cold Champion, Paddleball Champion RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe's Avatar
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    Re: with you

    good suggestions again Lasura.. you read my mind i guess...

    yup.. agreed on what she said.. was nicely made ^^ keep up the good job.. follow what Lasura said.. and you will eventually make better poems.. but this is enjoyable too.. but you can increase the quality what not right?

    Legion Ketsueki Lives on~!!
    I'm BACK AO!
    >>>facebook<<<

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    Evil Angel (Dec 18, 2007), Lasura (Dec 18, 2007)

  6. #4
    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: with you

    Well.. I guess I have'sta.

    Okay, well your poem wasn't structured really, might wanna practice on that. It doesn't look like a haiku.. and it's kinda short. It's more like you were trying to explain it to the person rather then elaborate on it and build up.

    Spelling and grammar always helps. ^^

    I can't say the 'Love' topic isn't a nice one, but I can say that the poem needed a lot more to catch my interest, and had so much potential to be cultivated into something a bit more meaningful.

    By the powers I announce this poem stamped!


    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

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    Evil Angel (Dec 18, 2007)

  8. #5
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: with you

    lol ^^ you're killing me Tetsanosuke... I want to write a poem just to get your stamp now...

    I don't think it was all that bad... There are no rules in poetry thesedays- it doesn't need to be long to be beautiful... it's a greater art to say something great in fewer words... So I think you're being quite harsh ^^ Although maybe I am being too nice...

    Yea ^^ just had to say that...

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Evil Angel (Dec 18, 2007)

  10. #6
    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: with you

    Quote Originally Posted by Lasura View Post
    lol ^^ you're killing me Tetsanosuke... I want to write a poem just to get your stamp now...

    I don't think it was all that bad... There are no rules in poetry thesedays- it doesn't need to be long to be beautiful... it's a greater art to say something great in fewer words... So I think you're being quite harsh ^^ Although maybe I am being too nice...

    Yea ^^ just had to say that...
    Then write a poem and bring it on!
    I'll be sure to stammer in with my stamp drawn
    The black lines and the white hues,
    The sword strewn pointed towards you

    But not will I stamp with ill intent,
    Tis my critique which I have merely sent,
    And it is the commenter's job to do so
    So nay, I could never let it go!

    We are supposed to comment
    And nudge people with pointers
    So they can learn and weave
    Tapestries of their own heart and soul,
    Never shall it be dominant
    In ones own pen created altar
    For them to take what we perceive
    As their own way to go.

    Basically, I'm critiquing it on things I myself look for. And the fact that I read it over and didn't just skip it, meaning it kept my attention, earns it a stamp.

    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

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    Evil Angel (Dec 18, 2007)

  12. #7
    Newbie Evil Angel is off to a good start Evil Angel's Avatar
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    Re: with you

    im not rally all that good at poems thats why n.nU
    ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
    And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
    ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
    And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

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    Tetsanosuke Kirikami (Dec 18, 2007)

  14. #8
    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: with you

    Quote Originally Posted by Evil Angel View Post
    im not rally all that good at poems thats why n.nU

    Well I'm not trying to bash you at all for that, I'm just giving you advice and teaching you. You can learn from reading other peoples works and from hearing the critiquing of others.

    It takes time, just like anything involved with creative skills to be able to make 'art' with it.

    I'm just helping you along in all. ^^

    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

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