Thread: Shacking up Before Marriage

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It gives you the chance to get to know

each other better before taking the big step towards marriage. It lets you find out the

other person's faults and lets you see theirs in full focus. To me its a very good thing.

Although I can understand why some religious people would be against it. But to honest

aren't people having sex when they're not married OR living together? If its gonna

happen its gonna happen. Whether your living together or not has no great effect on

the outcome.

That depends on whether you want to be married or if you just want to drift from relationship to relationship throughout your life. If the second why would you care?

BUT if you want to be married and to have a chance at a lasting relationship it is a very bad idea.

Why? Because most people who live together first do NOT get married. Of those who do, yes, it is seen as a stepping stone in their relationship. However for the vast majority who don't once the relationship falls apart it has profound consequences on future relationships and stability. Put simply if you shack up and don't get married chances are you either never will or you will be scarred by the relationship and carry those scars into future relationships making it that much harder for you to trust others long term.

SO for those who do shack up and then get married... why not just get married in the first place? For the rest why put yourself through that kind of trauma when you can just say "no"?

Lets also not forget girls (are there are any others left on the forum), as most guys can attest, why should they put their name and money on the line for that kind of commitment when they can get what they want anyway? Shack up with a guy and they have no incentive to pony up. I can't tell you the number of women I know who shacked up only to tell me "I wish he would ask me to marry him" but the guy never brings it up unless he's convincing them to stay. They're just dangling a carrot in from of the cart so the girl will stick around and give them sex. Yeah there are exceptions and I am happy for them but they are few and far between.

Originally Posted by Arrianna

That depends on whether you want to be married or if you just want to drift from relationship to relationship throughout your life. If the second why would you care?

BUT if you want to be married and to have a chance at a lasting relationship it is a very bad idea.

Why? Because most people who live together first do NOT get married. Of those who do, yes, it is seen as a stepping stone in their relationship. However for the vast majority who don't once the relationship falls apart it has profound consequences on future relationships and stability. Put simply if you shack up and don't get married chances are you either never will or you will be scarred by the relationship and carry those scars into future relationships making it that much harder for you to trust others long term.

SO for those who do shack up and then get married... why not just get married in the first place? For the rest why put yourself through that kind of trauma when you can just say "no"?

Lets also not forget girls (are there are any others left on the forum), as most guys can attest, why should they put their name and money on the line for that kind of commitment when they can get what they want anyway? Shack up with a guy and they have no incentive to pony up. I can't tell you the number of women I know who shacked up only to tell me "I wish he would ask me to marry him" but the guy never brings it up unless he's convincing them to stay. They're just dangling a carrot in from of the cart so the girl will stick around and give them sex. Yeah there are exceptions and I am happy for them but they are few and far between.

If shacking up causes the relationship to end, its not meant to be in the first place. Shacking up doesn't end a chance at a lasting relationship, its your in-adequateness as a couple that does. If your meant to be living together will strengthen the relationship.


I mean theres no way in hell i would marry a woman without living together first. You don't really fully know them until you do. I mean does she snore, keep a clean house, have annoying habits, etc..

A marriage license doesn't make a relationship work, you do. If your meant to be a couple, shacking up wont stop it.

once the relationship falls apart it has profound consequences on future relationships and stability. Put simply if you shack up and don't get married chances are you either never will or you will be scarred by the relationship and carry those scars into future relationships making it that much harder for you to trust others long term.

Well if you get married first, find out living with them is a nightmare, which ends the marriage, will have far more lasting scars. Way more trust issues you will have in future relationships.

Having a trusting relationship doesn't come from a piece of paper, it comes from learning how to live with someone, knowing what you want in a relationship, and finding a person that will give you that.

Dont you think you should find all this b4 you jump into marriage?

i think quoting Creature Feature would be best here by saying: "This is a test of your strength and your will to survive."

I think that living with your fiancee or boyfriend/girlfriend is very wise idea, as it will show you and your partner your limitations with eachother, what to do to avoid a fight, what to do to make eachother happy, and even what makes things better in the bedroom.

Originally Posted by Miroku4444

I mean theres no way in hell i would marry a woman without living together first. You don't really fully know them until you do. I mean does she snore, keep a clean house, have annoying habits, etc..

Shallow Miroku, very shallow. No one is perfect how would you like being put under that kind of microscope?

Originally Posted by Miroku4444

A marriage license doesn't make a relationship work, you do.

That's right, it's called commitment, and you just proved why shacking up is not a commitment.

Originally Posted by Arrianna

Shallow Miroku, very shallow. No one is perfect how would you like being put under that kind of microscope?

I know were all not perfect, but you have to be happy. I didn't mean to say i would dump a gal over a couple of bad traits. I just want to really get to know someone b4 i marry them. Just want to know if i will be happy living with them. I dont believe in entering into marriage lightly, and not knowing them fully first. I would want to make sure it would have a good chance of working with us b4 i commit.

That's right, it's called commitment, and you just proved why shacking up is not a commitment.

Didn't say shacking up was a commitment, its just the next step in a relationship where you truly get to know that person. Marriage is the commitment, and you should know first if you can make that commitment. People don't show their true colors until after you lived with them, and its better finding that out b4 you commit to marriage.


Example:

A woman meets this wonderful man. He treats her like a princess, doing all these wonderful things for her. In other words fulfilling her every needs. Then she decides to marry him, and after a few weeks, Bam!! change-o. Hes now this mean abusive control freak. Not letting her see who shes wants, jealous all the time, doesn't allow her to wear certain clothes, and beats her. Maybe if she would have lived with him for a long time, she would have seen some red flags or hints of this behaver.

Originally Posted by Miroku4444

I dont believe in entering into marriage lightly, and not knowing them fully first. I would want to make sure it would have a good chance of working with us b4 i commit.
..........
People don't show their true colors until after you lived with them, and its better finding that out b4 you commit to marriage.

Load of crock. You can get to know someone well without living with them. All living with them shows is their little quirks, just the sort of traits you just said you wouldn't dump them for. Meet their family, spend time alone, get them out of their comfort zone, there are other options then moving in to an open relationship with no incentive not to move on the instant your annoyed or unhappy and you will be, no relationship goes smoothly. Saying you won't marry them without moving in first just shows that you place more importance on your personal pleasure then the other person or a desire to get all the benefits without commitment.

Commitment, if you have it you don't need a "test" that can and often does set a pattern for the rest of your life.


Example: They live together for years have one or more children but he never actually commits to marriage even though he knows she wants to be since he knows she's not going anywhere.

My example is the most often result, yours is the exception and one of the legitimate reasons for divorce. She can leave married or not.