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Thread: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Xxajanae97xX View Post
    Should parents tell their adopted children they are adopted? if so, what age seems most appropriate? what are the repercussions of them finding out too late ? Why exactly do some parents decide not to tell their kids at all?

    I personally think it's only right if you tell them as soon as they are able to comprehend, and since kids are not as stupid as some assume, that's at a pretty young age.

    Yes I believe foster parents should tell their children they were adopted, just because they deserve the truth. But the only problem is, sometimes the truth hurts. You as a individual, as a Foster Parent, needs to know your new child well enough to decide on your own when the best time for your child to know.

    This means for them to be able understand this carefully, and accept that they are being loved where they're at now, and have been since they've known.(I would say around 14-17, like I said it depends.)

    I think some Foster Parents may leave out some possible 'harmful' things that may had to deal with the reason why his/her Parents are not with him/her. Maybe drugs were involved, or jail time, etc.

    Finding out to late couldn't do much more damage than possibly leaving the child being felt betrayed,(as long as they were treated well and provided for), but the same can be said for being told too early, its all about knowing your new adopted child as a Foster Parent and understanding the 'right time' for him/her.

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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    I also think that the foster parents should tell their children that they were adopted. The thing is, of course it will hurt, since it's not something you get to hear all the time. It is shocking to find out that those parents you loved and cared for aren't actually your real parents.
    However, they accept it after some time. Of course the children will be hurt by this for some time, but eventually they will get along with the situation just as well as the foster parents do.
    Of course that period of being irritated and shocked can last very long but, as anime_being_god said it right, it is up to the respective foster parents to know the right time to tell it, so that this period won't last very long.

    Although I think that 14-17 already is a little late. At this age, the children might have already found out about their real origin. Either the children really ask their foster parents since they might look very differently or the more possiblly they find out in school. Because I guess that parents might talk about this with other parents and because it is known in school. So I guess that the children have already found out about it in such an age.
    Additionally, young children can get along with such news better than one might believe. I think one should tell their children about that earlier.
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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    It is all about the circumstances. Personally, I think Darwin's Theory tends to set in here. If the adopted kid is of an ethnic origin and is adopted into an obviously different ethnic family - example being black into white, asian, etc.., than I say don't tell the kid and let's see what happens. If he figures it out on his own, than I think you got a kid bright enough to handle the situations in life. If the kid doesn't, than I say send him back and get another, since you obviously picked from the wrong stock.

    Jokes aside(half joking perhaps??), I say tell the kid and at a younger age when he can comprehend the entire situation. Now, yes, we all know what can end up happening, but I think that is a risk that others should be willing to take.

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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    When you have a baby, you begin introducing them to the world from the minute they are born. You tell a child where they came from, as they discover who they are.

    If I had adopted a child, telling them where they came from, would include my best explanation of an adoption. An explanation that was careful to reinforced how much the child is currently loved, and wanted. An explanation that was careful never to indicate that they were ever unloved, or unwanted by anyone else.

    The sooner the child can accept their reality and embrace it. They will be less phased by a society that may look at their situation as "different".
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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    I think it is a good thing to tell them, but when their a little older and able to understand why their real parents had put them up to adoption, also this way the child isn't confused at a young age, after finding out.

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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    i think another issue is that if you tell the child TOO young, then for a majority of their young life the child will refer to their parents as "oh that's my adoptive mom" or "oh he's not my real dad he just adopted me". That hurts for the foster parents as well because it feels like their adoptive child loves them less or don't feel a deep connection with them as they do to the child. So, to find a middle ground would be nice
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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Peach_follows View Post
    When you have a baby, you begin introducing them to the world from the minute they are born. You tell a child where they came from, as they discover who they are.

    If I had adopted a child, telling them where they came from, would include my best explanation of an adoption. An explanation that was careful to reinforced how much the child is currently loved, and wanted. An explanation that was careful never to indicate that they were ever unloved, or unwanted by anyone else.

    The sooner the child can accept their reality and embrace it. They will be less phased by a society that may look at their situation as "different".
    We understand that a child starts to learn things when they are first born, it doesn't mean they can comprehend or have the capacity to remember much of anything until years later. On a subconscious level, maybe, but then that again, that only means that they were too young.

    I disagree with your decision to shelter the child by saying they were never unloved or unwanted considering that in reality, a flip of the coin could be the truth and that in the end, you probably won't end up knowing the real circumstances anyways. Simply allowing them to acknowledge the concept of adoption and that you yourself love them and nothing else matters, should be the only real area to place emphasis on. A parent is almighty and all knowing until the child can comprehend and think for themselves; suggesting anything other than the truth can lead to previous problems and situations mentioned.

    This is apart of reality and specifically, theirs. The child will be the one, in the end, to decided whether or not they want to know the entire truth and they will decide how exactly, on their terms. Suggesting or telling them otherwise can speed up the trip to self discovery or can even hinder/stop it all completely. This is the only time when they finally confront the truth and to know how they cope with it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xxajanae97xX View Post
    i think another issue is that if you tell the child TOO young, then for a majority of their young life the child will refer to their parents as "oh that's my adoptive mom" or "oh he's not my real dad he just adopted me". That hurts for the foster parents as well because it feels like their adoptive child loves them less or don't feel a deep connection with them as they do to the child. So, to find a middle ground would be nice
    It would be nice, but it wouldn't be a walk through the park finding "middle ground" considering it is purely circumstantial and every eprson is different, so we will never know exactly how someone will react, until they actuall do. There are plenty out there who go through this same experience even if you tell them at an older age. I don't know the numbers, but then again, I can't read minds either.

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    Re: Should children know whether they are adopted or not?

    i think all children have the right to know however perhaps when you're 5 it can be hard to understand.

    Also i dont feel that "knowing where you came from helps you understand who you are" thats baloney as far as im concerned because i dont think if i meet my father or found out more about him would make me a different person to who i am now.

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