Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 8 of 10

Thread: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

  1. #1
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,736
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    (Gimme some critique clan. ^-^)


    I dont know what to do or say.
    All my words turn to dust,
    In my mouth.

    I mumble,
    my answers.

    And whisper
    sweet messages.

    But still
    they're unheard.
    Seduced by Flesh


  2. #2
    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    I get bored easily
    Posts
    523
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 6 Times in 4 Posts

    Re: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    Its a little too simple. I think it could have been better with a few words of imagery. I like it when something i read makes me feel or see it. And the first three lines are like others i've heard. You can use the same thought but word it differently. I would ultimatley reword the first three lines into imagery and keep the rest as it is.

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

  3. #3
    Otaku raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    In the Pearl of the Orient
    Posts
    393
    Thanks
    16
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post

    Re: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    the poem is simple... and is in need of more words that convey description.

    Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^

  4. #4
    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada)
    Posts
    881
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 13 Times in 13 Posts

    Re: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    You convey through words what you feel about this clan, you think that we are, or certain of us are immovable by your ongoing attempts at making one or many participate.

    Though your attempt here in wording it is quite simple, it is even somewhat badly made...in my standards at least. You rushed it, yes it happens to me to rush, but usually I have something thought out behind this act of rushness, as if conveying a feeling. What you wrote was rushed and sees desperate as there are basic things as pontcuation that is missing.

    End of Critic :P
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

  5. #5
    S.E.L - sexy etna lover Baal may be famous one day Baal may be famous one day Baal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Mayaguez
    Posts
    1,063
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    hmph (concentrate)

    to small and not enough cash stranger ( words)
    and the rime isnt much unless is a free verse??



    perdoname michelle!

  6. #6
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,736
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    Thanks guys.

    @Max: I actually wrote this poem two years ago. Lol. So, it kind of has nothing to do with the clan. Lol.
    Seduced by Flesh


  7. #7
    S.E.L - sexy etna lover Baal may be famous one day Baal may be famous one day Baal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Mayaguez
    Posts
    1,063
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kasai View Post
    Thanks guys.

    @Max: I actually wrote this poem two years ago. Lol. So, it kind of has nothing to do with the clan. Lol.
    wel its a poem so its part of the clan



    perdoname michelle!

  8. #8
    is On Point Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Mr. Foxie's Den...
    Posts
    1,695
    Thanks
    78
    Thanked 42 Times in 37 Posts

    Re: Have You Ever Turned to Dust?

    ^_^ i think it's very good, but i think if it had spoken more of WHY the words are turning to dust, or WHAT words are turning to dust... i think it would have been a lot better!

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Anime Turned Live Action
    By LittleHobbit13 in forum Anime
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: Jun 05, 2006, 01:56 AM
  2. Pat Morita bites the dust.
    By Hassun in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: Nov 27, 2005, 11:03 PM
  3. Classic Novels turned into Manga
    By Bighills in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: Jul 01, 2005, 06:20 AM
  4. Eyes Turned Downward... (Poem)
    By Shade/K' Heart in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: May 15, 2005, 04:29 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts