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Thread: My fallen wall

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    Newbie HellsPunker may be famous one day HellsPunker may be famous one day HellsPunker's Avatar
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    My fallen wall

    When we let our guard down, the pain rises up in our throat like bile
    Choking the breath from us.
    The past returns in waves, its somthing we dont want to remember,somthing not want to be felt.
    Come take this acid from our souls, break it down, becareful for yours may catch the drop of our pitiful crys.
    Devine rest, we all wish for it, morning the existance we never had a chance to inhale, its scent so far away.



    May my eyes PIERCE your body, PARALIZING you with your SOUL restless. You have been DAMNED, listen for only my MARK on the WIND will give you back a walking LIFE, somthing for your soul to FILL!

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    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: My fallen wall

    I'm not sure I understand the last verse. But the entire poem? Is pure sweetness. The format was beautiful and the breaks are positioned nicely. I'm just a freak about spelling. Lol. Other than that? Wonderful job.
    Seduced by Flesh


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    Newbie HellsPunker may be famous one day HellsPunker may be famous one day HellsPunker's Avatar
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    Re: My fallen wall

    Thanks! i never really had anyone say anything about my poems before, because i usually keep them hidden but thats cool thanks again!



    May my eyes PIERCE your body, PARALIZING you with your SOUL restless. You have been DAMNED, listen for only my MARK on the WIND will give you back a walking LIFE, somthing for your soul to FILL!

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    S.E.L - sexy etna lover Baal may be famous one day Baal may be famous one day Baal's Avatar
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    Re: My fallen wall

    I couldnt say nything cuz i was busy but the lines are pretty long but really good expressed.



    perdoname michelle!

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    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
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    Re: My fallen wall

    Very descriptive, though dark, but I guess people are dark somewhat at times...let's see light...or darkness if you insist :P

    I'd be curious to read your book if you have one.
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

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    is On Point Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi's Avatar
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    Re: My fallen wall

    ^_^ i like the syntax (fwah! fancy word) you used! the way the spacing and centering and punctuation you used to add emphasise to your work! even if you didn't do it on purpose, it's still great!

    but make sure that when you right for people to read, that your meaning is a little more clear... (for me) the point of writing is to say something that your reader can understand... even if it's something they don't understand...

    ex: you're talking about the death of your friend, but the person reading your work has never felt that before. so, (for me) the best way to... ah, i think you get it...

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    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
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    Re: My fallen wall

    Definetly some grammatical errors. And the body of it was unpleasurable to read.

    This line.

    Choking the breath from us. needs to be revised and rewritten. It is used to much in alot of poets works. And seems to be borrowed and stolen too often. You can get the same feeling with using some different words.

    But other than that. The idea was great, and was written well, despite what i said above.

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

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    Newbie HellsPunker may be famous one day HellsPunker may be famous one day HellsPunker's Avatar
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    Re: My fallen wall

    I will work on making my poems a little more easier to understand, but this one was about my past and somthing i didn't want to remember, because i kinda locked it away somewhere in my brain lol, and when im just starring at the ceiling or somthing i accidently let those walls down surrounding thats memory and i have to kinda re-live it again so yeah.. sorry ill make the next one better to understand!



    May my eyes PIERCE your body, PARALIZING you with your SOUL restless. You have been DAMNED, listen for only my MARK on the WIND will give you back a walking LIFE, somthing for your soul to FILL!

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