The Revelation On The Yellow Brick Road

*N.Y._Soulja* · Oct 09, 2006, 04:29 PM

This is the yellow brick road
hopefully it'll lead me home.

I wander here so much
they call me a drifter
I'm the cabron and such...
A piece of shit from a greater mister.

This is my street
here I was born
where me and Death'll meet.
and my death won't make a sound like a horn.

Never was a thug
I'd always stick out my neck
just a big infatuation with guns
feeling no regret.

This is the yellow brick road
hopefully it'll lead me home..

Tick toc, listen to the sound
that ticks on the clock
listen to the sound of *****
as she licks on a cock

listen to the sound of
me spilling my heart through this pen
Mother ****ers know
that I'll never be Luis again

This is where it comes to an end
don't expect a big bang
I love you, all of my friends
but its too late, the crow already sang.

*Kasai* · Oct 09, 2006, 04:35 PM

Fix your cursing. You know the rules of AO.

Tick toc, listen to the sound
that ticks on the clock
listen to the sound of *****
as she licks on a rooster

Where did this clock come in on this yellow brick road?

*N.Y._Soulja* · Oct 09, 2006, 05:59 PM

....not really helpful...

*Kasai* · Oct 09, 2006, 07:19 PM

Think about my question and then answer it.

*Abu Dhabi* · Oct 10, 2006, 12:40 AM

^_^ i think that the swearing adds more emotion into it, taking it out or censoring it would make it sound silly.

i would suggest to focus on the rythm, since the tone is already there. this has the potential to be very good, just use the beat to your advantage. Find words that not only express what you feel but to express a sound for people to hear.

Quote:

This is my street
here I was born
where me and Death'll meet.
and my death won't make a sound like a horn

the last line seems too long. also, a horn makes a loud sound, but the poem infers that it would not even make a quiet sound. if you fix things like this, it would make a fricken awesome poem.

^_^ just wanted to suggest cuz i think this could really go places... like a strong river that could use a little direction to really make it flow.

*Kasai* · Oct 10, 2006, 01:34 AM

AO's rules still apply to this forum. Excessive swearing is a no no. Period.

Soldat of life · Oct 11, 2006, 09:11 AM

I think it nice....but I agree with Kasai that swearing isn't allowed on this forum, but swearing does make things feel intense just by placing them there. It seems bare and yet enigmatic. Words from the street and caring for those you hold dear. Life can bring you to places you didn't want to go, but there is always a choice or a way out, though that's different for everyone and help will come only if you ask.

*Kasai* · Oct 11, 2006, 11:13 AM

I didnt say he should do away with the swearing in general. It's not allowed here in AO. In fact, I kind of like poetry with swearing. Kind of, because it's rarely used in a creative way.

BlueFox1 · Oct 11, 2006, 01:06 PM

This poem is original, but the one thing that gets me is the clock! By this line:

Tick toc, listen to the sound
that ticks on the clock
listen to the sound of *****
as she licks on a rooster

did you mean the ticking away of you life? just curious!

*N.Y._Soulja* · Oct 11, 2006, 03:11 PM

wat it means, its like, my life passes by, and at this time on the clock it stops, and someone's doin the :-0 <--- insert here thing >>

BlueFox1 · Oct 13, 2006, 12:25 PM

Well thanks for clearing that line up for me! Because honestly the poem pretty good just that line threw me, and just be careful on the cussing, I know it's not allowed in the forum, so maybe just asterix it out and let the reader put whatever he or she feels goes there! just a suggestion!

Oct 09, 2006, 04:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
N.Y._Soulja ¥_Gankutsuou_¥ Join Date: May 2005 Location: ¿Geez, where the hell am I? Posts: 600 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 326	The Revelation On The Yellow Brick Road This is the yellow brick road hopefully it'll lead me home. I wander here so much they call me a drifter I'm the cabron and such... A piece of shit from a greater mister. This is my street here I was born where me and Death'll meet. and my death won't make a sound like a horn. Never was a thug I'd always stick out my neck just a big infatuation with guns feeling no regret. This is the yellow brick road hopefully it'll lead me home.. Tick toc, listen to the sound that ticks on the clock listen to the sound of *** as she licks on a cock listen to the sound of me spilling my heart through this pen Mother ers know that I'll never be Luis again This is where it comes to an end don't expect a big bang I love you, all of my friends but its too late, the crow already sang. __________________ Death Is Certain; Its Hour Uncertain There Is No Need For Redemption** Last edited by N.Y._Soulja; Oct 11, 2006 at 03:10 PM.
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Oct 09, 2006, 04:35 PM	#2 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,380	Fix your cursing. You know the rules of AO. Tick toc, listen to the sound that ticks on the clock listen to the sound of ***** as she licks on a rooster Where did this clock come in on this yellow brick road? __________________ Seduced by Flesh
Status: Offline

Oct 09, 2006, 05:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
N.Y._Soulja ¥_Gankutsuou_¥ Join Date: May 2005 Location: ¿Geez, where the hell am I? Posts: 600 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 326	....not really helpful... __________________ Death Is Certain; Its Hour Uncertain There Is No Need For Redemption
Status: Offline

Oct 09, 2006, 07:19 PM	#4 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,380	Think about my question and then answer it. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
Status: Offline

Oct 10, 2006, 01:34 AM	#6 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,380	AO's rules still apply to this forum. Excessive swearing is a no no. Period. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
Status: Offline

Welcome to AnimeOnline.net, your personal Anime Community!	Anime Online Rulez!

Oct 11, 2006, 09:11 AM	#7 (permalink)
Soldat of life RPG Lord and Master/Poet Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada) Posts: 850 Thanks: 1 Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts Credits: 4,028	I think it nice....but I agree with Kasai that swearing isn't allowed on this forum, but swearing does make things feel intense just by placing them there. It seems bare and yet enigmatic. Words from the street and caring for those you hold dear. Life can bring you to places you didn't want to go, but there is always a choice or a way out, though that's different for everyone and help will come only if you ask. __________________ Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^ Poetry Corner
Status: Offline

Oct 11, 2006, 11:13 AM	#8 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,380	I didnt say he should do away with the swearing in general. It's not allowed here in AO. In fact, I kind of like poetry with swearing. Kind of, because it's rarely used in a creative way. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
Status: Offline

Oct 11, 2006, 01:06 PM	#9 (permalink)
BlueFox1 Upcoming Legend Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility Posts: 584 Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Credits: 1,136	This poem is original, but the one thing that gets me is the clock! By this line: Tick toc, listen to the sound that ticks on the clock listen to the sound of ***** as she licks on a rooster did you mean the ticking away of you life? just curious! __________________
Status: Offline

Oct 11, 2006, 03:11 PM	#10 (permalink)
N.Y._Soulja ¥_Gankutsuou_¥ Join Date: May 2005 Location: ¿Geez, where the hell am I? Posts: 600 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 326	wat it means, its like, my life passes by, and at this time on the clock it stops, and someone's doin the :-0 <--- insert here thing >> __________________ Death Is Certain; Its Hour Uncertain There Is No Need For Redemption
Status: Offline

Oct 13, 2006, 12:25 PM	#11 (permalink)
BlueFox1 Upcoming Legend Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility Posts: 584 Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Credits: 1,136	Well thanks for clearing that line up for me! Because honestly the poem pretty good just that line threw me, and just be careful on the cussing, I know it's not allowed in the forum, so maybe just asterix it out and let the reader put whatever he or she feels goes there! just a suggestion! __________________
Status: Offline

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