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Thread: The Revelation On The Yellow Brick Road

  1. #1
    Devoted Otaku N.Y._Soulja may be famous one day N.Y._Soulja may be famous one day N.Y._Soulja's Avatar
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    The Revelation On The Yellow Brick Road

    This is the yellow brick road
    hopefully it'll lead me home.

    I wander here so much
    they call me a drifter
    I'm the cabron and such...
    A piece of shit from a greater mister.

    This is my street
    here I was born
    where me and Death'll meet.
    and my death won't make a sound like a horn.

    Never was a thug
    I'd always stick out my neck
    just a big infatuation with guns
    feeling no regret.

    This is the yellow brick road
    hopefully it'll lead me home..

    Tick toc, listen to the sound
    that ticks on the clock
    listen to the sound of *****
    as she licks on a cock

    listen to the sound of
    me spilling my heart through this pen
    Mother ****ers know
    that I'll never be Luis again

    This is where it comes to an end
    don't expect a big bang
    I love you, all of my friends
    but its too late, the crow already sang.
    Last edited by N.Y._Soulja; Oct 11, 2006 at 03:10 PM.
    You should stop talking about your dreams, and start making them.

    http://kuv319.tumblr.com/

    There is something so human in the desire to never give up, while at the same time, never giving it your all?

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Fix your cursing. You know the rules of AO.

    Tick toc, listen to the sound
    that ticks on the clock
    listen to the sound of *****
    as she licks on a rooster


    Where did this clock come in on this yellow brick road?
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    Devoted Otaku N.Y._Soulja may be famous one day N.Y._Soulja may be famous one day N.Y._Soulja's Avatar
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    ....not really helpful...
    You should stop talking about your dreams, and start making them.

    http://kuv319.tumblr.com/

    There is something so human in the desire to never give up, while at the same time, never giving it your all?

  4. #4
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Think about my question and then answer it.
    Seduced by Flesh


  5. #5
    is On Point Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi's Avatar
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    ^_^ i think that the swearing adds more emotion into it, taking it out or censoring it would make it sound silly.

    i would suggest to focus on the rythm, since the tone is already there. this has the potential to be very good, just use the beat to your advantage. Find words that not only express what you feel but to express a sound for people to hear.

    This is my street
    here I was born
    where me and Death'll meet.
    and my death won't make a sound like a horn
    the last line seems too long. also, a horn makes a loud sound, but the poem infers that it would not even make a quiet sound. if you fix things like this, it would make a fricken awesome poem.

    ^_^ just wanted to suggest cuz i think this could really go places... like a strong river that could use a little direction to really make it flow.

  6. #6
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    AO's rules still apply to this forum. Excessive swearing is a no no. Period.
    Seduced by Flesh


  7. #7
    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
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    I think it nice....but I agree with Kasai that swearing isn't allowed on this forum, but swearing does make things feel intense just by placing them there. It seems bare and yet enigmatic. Words from the street and caring for those you hold dear. Life can bring you to places you didn't want to go, but there is always a choice or a way out, though that's different for everyone and help will come only if you ask.
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

  8. #8
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    I didnt say he should do away with the swearing in general. It's not allowed here in AO. In fact, I kind of like poetry with swearing. Kind of, because it's rarely used in a creative way.
    Seduced by Flesh


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