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Old Oct 09, 2006, 04:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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The Revelation On The Yellow Brick Road

This is the yellow brick road
hopefully it'll lead me home.

I wander here so much
they call me a drifter
I'm the cabron and such...
A piece of shit from a greater mister.

This is my street
here I was born
where me and Death'll meet.
and my death won't make a sound like a horn.

Never was a thug
I'd always stick out my neck
just a big infatuation with guns
feeling no regret.

This is the yellow brick road
hopefully it'll lead me home..

Tick toc, listen to the sound
that ticks on the clock
listen to the sound of *****
as she licks on a cock

listen to the sound of
me spilling my heart through this pen
Mother ****ers know
that I'll never be Luis again

This is where it comes to an end
don't expect a big bang
I love you, all of my friends
but its too late, the crow already sang.
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Old Oct 09, 2006, 04:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Fix your cursing. You know the rules of AO.

Tick toc, listen to the sound
that ticks on the clock
listen to the sound of *****
as she licks on a rooster


Where did this clock come in on this yellow brick road?
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Old Oct 09, 2006, 05:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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....not really helpful...
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Old Oct 09, 2006, 07:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Think about my question and then answer it.
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Old Oct 10, 2006, 12:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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^_^ i think that the swearing adds more emotion into it, taking it out or censoring it would make it sound silly.

i would suggest to focus on the rythm, since the tone is already there. this has the potential to be very good, just use the beat to your advantage. Find words that not only express what you feel but to express a sound for people to hear.

Quote:
This is my street
here I was born
where me and Death'll meet.
and my death won't make a sound like a horn
the last line seems too long. also, a horn makes a loud sound, but the poem infers that it would not even make a quiet sound. if you fix things like this, it would make a fricken awesome poem.

^_^ just wanted to suggest cuz i think this could really go places... like a strong river that could use a little direction to really make it flow.
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Old Oct 10, 2006, 01:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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AO's rules still apply to this forum. Excessive swearing is a no no. Period.
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Old Oct 11, 2006, 09:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I think it nice....but I agree with Kasai that swearing isn't allowed on this forum, but swearing does make things feel intense just by placing them there. It seems bare and yet enigmatic. Words from the street and caring for those you hold dear. Life can bring you to places you didn't want to go, but there is always a choice or a way out, though that's different for everyone and help will come only if you ask.
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Old Oct 11, 2006, 11:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I didnt say he should do away with the swearing in general. It's not allowed here in AO. In fact, I kind of like poetry with swearing. Kind of, because it's rarely used in a creative way.
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Old Oct 11, 2006, 01:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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This poem is original, but the one thing that gets me is the clock! By this line:

Tick toc, listen to the sound
that ticks on the clock
listen to the sound of *****
as she licks on a rooster

did you mean the ticking away of you life? just curious!
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Old Oct 11, 2006, 03:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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wat it means, its like, my life passes by, and at this time on the clock it stops, and someone's doin the :-0 <--- insert here thing >>
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Old Oct 13, 2006, 12:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Well thanks for clearing that line up for me! Because honestly the poem pretty good just that line threw me, and just be careful on the cussing, I know it's not allowed in the forum, so maybe just asterix it out and let the reader put whatever he or she feels goes there! just a suggestion!
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