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Thread: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

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    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Here is where you can give critique and comments on a members practice.

    Quote Originally Posted by raja_psyche

    Unsung Hero

    A wounded warrior walks barefooted
    In the path that seemed to be an endless maze
    Holding unto his chest, his beloved mace
    His face is marked by absolute grimace.

    I love this quatrain. It has description, good wording, and it captures my interest right away.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinigami's_Angel
    Night Angel

    Angel of the Night
    The stary sky is so Bright
    Take flight and soar
    Bring Joy to the Living Night.
    I'd like to see more in the verses. Try giving more description on this Angel of the Night, the sky, the wings, and the emotion. Allow the reader to feel and see what is happening in the poem.

    Quote Originally Posted by zyta
    Heaven

    Behind the man i see
    are two golden gates of light
    as time immobilizes
    they open and let me enter
    Elaboration and description about this stopping of time, man, and golden gates. I love where this ballad is going. The subject captures me. But the lack of information loses me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life
    Work

    Living in an endless hell,
    He seeks to find what lies beyond.
    Where he may find his own true path,
    Regretfully, his journey is solitary.
    The last verse seem to deter away from the meter. It was a solid quatrain and I like the wording.

    Quote Originally Posted by BrightShadow_96
    Pending

    Awaiting an awakening
    In the dread of his life
    Looking for more
    And avoiding his strife
    Hmm. Punctuation please? The third stanza could use a little bit more elaboration. Other than that? A sound stanza.

    Quote Originally Posted by N.Y._Soulja
    His blood splashed on her palms.
    She bent over his massacrated body,
    and held herself with her arms
    cold on the outside, in the inside... not sorry
    This tells a story! I can visualize the event and I do say... I love what is happening. It makes me eager to know what comes next.

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Dhabi
    Every day is a surp-rise
    before the sun-rise
    on the bus-ride
    home.
    In the first verse, surp-rise, should be sur-prise. Makes it roll better off of the tongue. This is actually my favorite! You were creative in your quatrain!

    [QUOTE=Nympho;353740]
    Ballad of the Unborn

    Unwelcoming the new day
    A pain thrives in my stomach
    Getting out of bed is a misguided mission
    Nine months of slumber

    Oh, I likes. We get a connection to the character and we also can visualize something. Cant wait to read the rest!

    Quote Originally Posted by creamsilver View Post
    The lonley angel that walked
    the gloomy night
    before with fell
    from the starry sky.
    Hmm. You're wording doesnt seem right to me. The first verse was lovely. However, once we reach the third verse? We get lost. Try to elaborate more.

    Quote Originally Posted by HieisLove View Post
    Hope Is Gone

    Tears of pain is cried;
    A heart that bleeds;
    Lonely in the cold darkness;
    That voice cries out for help
    Okay, we start off really well. I want to read more. On are nect practice, I'll get to!

    Quote Originally Posted by ROCKANIME2007 View Post
    lost

    lost on a village
    hold you might
    save yourself
    don't lose the light
    Elaboration and description I feel is needed. I would use some elabortation first, and then try to describe the actions and feelings.
    Last edited by Kasai; Aug 12, 2006 at 06:48 AM.
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    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    What about mine? I feel so left out here...

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

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    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    I havent gotten to it yet. You could give your own critique to some of the members as well? I want us to be more active. Not just in the bloody chat thread. I'm thinking about closing it...

    How much time does it actually take to give some friggin' critique to another member?
    Seduced by Flesh


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    Ever So Awesome Kaboom Champion, Archery Champion, Crazy Pool 2 Champion, Ninja-Boy Champion, Bubble Shooter Champion zyta may be famous one day zyta may be famous one day zyta's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Quote Originally Posted by raja_psyche View Post

    Unsung Hero

    A wounded warrior walks barefooted
    In the path that seemed to be an endless maze
    Holding unto his chest, his beloved mace
    His face is marked by absolute grimace.

    very nice, though the maze's detail was kind of boring...maybe something like "On the path that streaked along many hidden courses"

    Quote Originally Posted by Shinigami's_Angel View Post
    Night Angel

    Angel of the Night
    The stary sky is so Bright
    Take flight and soar
    Bring Joy to the Living Night.
    this one was somewhat lacking most poetic needs. things like a rythme, thought (or so i get the feeling), excellent detail, are just some of them. keep trying and i hope to see a better version in future sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kasai View Post
    An Endless Rain

    I stand by in the clouds.
    As heavy thunder rolls in,
    As misty rain falls in shrouds,
    Hiding the sunlight which is now put to an end.
    very nice, the only thing i see wrong is the lack of a beat. maybe in the second line a different word would be nicer than 'thunder', try this. "A heavy bolt streaked in.' the third line also needs fixing. try something other than shrouds.
    the last seems perfect as is.

    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    Work

    Living in an endless hell,
    He seeks to find what lies beyond.
    Where he may find his own true path,
    Regretfully, his journey is solitary.
    perhaps my favorite one. it is excellent and really attracts my interest. good job, though maybe 'hell' would be better as 'chasm'. just my thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by BrightShadow_96 View Post
    Pending

    Awaiting an awakening
    In the dread of his life
    Looking for more
    And avoiding his strife
    first off the first line confused me a little, the words are so similar it should be a crime to put them together, UNLESS you continue that pattern for the whole poem. otherwise it is good.

    Quote Originally Posted by N.Y._Soulja View Post
    His blood splashed on her palms.
    She bent over his massacrated body,
    and held herself with her arms
    cold on the outside, in the inside... not sorry
    it seems like you tried too hard to produce this. let the poem come out when it is ready to. a good technique is to close your eyes and type whatever word your hands want you to. yes it sounds crazy, but those are not forced words, which make the end result ten times better....just make sure to edit it some, from the mispelled and whatnot.

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Dhabi View Post
    Every day is a surp-rise
    before the sun-rise
    on the bus-ride
    home.



    p.s.: >.< i suck at rhyming... ^_^ but the rythm was there! the rythm!
    yes the rythm was there, that is what poetry is about. though i agree with Kasai the dash should be after the first 'r' in surprise.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nympho View Post
    Ballad of the Unborn

    Unwelcoming the new day
    A pain thrives in my stomach
    Getting out of bed is a misguided mission
    Nine months of slumber

    I don't know if i did this right!
    it is good, then the last line hits. it throws off the entire poem from something like a heroic battle to something much like a bear. fix that and it should be a LOT better.

    Quote Originally Posted by creamsilver View Post
    The lonley angel that walked
    the gloomy night
    before with fell
    from the starry sky.

    here is mine but its bad-_-
    it isn't too bad, it just seemed forced. like i mentioned above you that technique. and add more detailing words in each line too. it attracted me, but the lack of those descriptive words killed it.

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    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    ZYTA!!!!! Zyta that is about me being pregnant and the unborn child living within me for nine months. You have no idea of the pain i have to go through when i wake!


    Unsung Hero

    A wounded warrior walks barefooted
    In the path that seemed to be an endless maze
    Holding unto his chest, his beloved mace
    His face is marked by absolute grimace.


    I liked this one. But i did not like the word grimace. It seemed thrown in.

    Night Angel

    Angel of the Night
    The stary sky is so Bright
    Take flight and soar
    Bring Joy to the Living Night.


    I dont like it at all. Sounds like all your other poems. They all say night in them and bright and flight.....I'm just not diggin the excessive words you use. I think that's something you need to work on. A poet is not just a four letter word.

    Heaven

    Behind the man i see
    are two golden gates of light
    as time immobilizes
    they open and let me enter


    This one is good. I can picture it well. Even though its description is short and less descriptive than others. I think you can add a little fat to this one and it will be awesome!

    Work

    Living in an endless hell,
    He seeks to find what lies beyond.
    Where he may find his own true path,
    Regretfully, his journey is solitary.


    This one is an A. No change needed.


    Pending

    Awaiting an awakening
    In the dread of his life
    Looking for more
    And avoiding his strife


    The beginning was good. But you went into a different direction than i thought you would. The last line should be thought through more thoroughly.

    The moon has risen
    clouds cover her one eye
    my sin isn't forgiven
    I knew everything was a lie


    This one was pretty good. I like it. The second line needs more to it. Use at least one decriptive word.

    Every day is a surp-rise
    before the sun-rise
    on the bus-ride
    home.


    This one was cute. Its fine to me.

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

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    Re: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    so so so sorry, yes now i can see it that way.

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    is On Point Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    ^_^ thank you so much! and i'll make a mental not about the "R" thing! here's my critiques!

    @raja_pysche - This was very descriptive without being too over-dramatic! but i think if it a little more rythm it would have given a nice effect, good work though!

    @Shinagami's_Angel - I agree with Kasai, the poem has good bones but it hasn't been developed enough yet. i think you're on the right track!

    @zyta - A good poem, but i think it may have been better if it focused on either the gates or the man in front of them. Four lines is not very much space to really describe both. but i would love to see this in a longer poem, reflection is always good!

    @Soldat of Life - ^_^ this sounds like something a poetic guy would say while working at his dead-end desk job! it's very good, but sad becuz... maybe it's a little too true to life?

    @Bright_Shadow96 - I very much like this poem, but a thing to remember is that punctuation can also lend to the feel of your poem. it may help to utilize commas, dash, colons, semi-colons and all that other mombojumbo to emphazise or accent what you want in your writting!

    @N.Y._Soulja - did you make two? both are going somewhere, but i think if you had more description on one aspect instead of a bunch, it would help to clarify and strengthen your writting! just something to consider!

    @creamsilver - hmmm... it did seem forced... ^_^ even though this is for a forum, i still think you should try your best. if you don't like a poem, don't be afraid to erase it and try again. if you're not happy with it, no one else will becuz they can feel it in your writing. ^_^ it should come from your heart, not just a deadline!

    @Nympho - I agree that the last line is abit awkward... kinda like going back to sleep after you woke up! i think if it had gone with that "waking up" flow, it would have been smoother.

    @Kasai - A very pretty poem, but i think the last part of the last line "which is now put to an end" wasn't needed. i think that the shorter the lines the better to help look like tiny rain drops! ^_^ that's what i think!

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    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Yay! Some more critique, clan!!!
    Seduced by Flesh


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