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Thread: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

  1. #1
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    All members are required to give critique as well.


    Empty

    The invisible man waits
    Waits for the pending silence-
    The refuge never meant to come
    The calm concealed by chaos

    He has been lost
    Unseen and forgotten
    A blank memory
    And empty in their eyes

    He has seen them all
    He watches the lies
    They are blind in an empty world
    A chaotic meaninglessness

    So he searches-
    Searches for the awaiting peace
    Hidden behind their empty life
    Growing farther away.


    I really liked the first stanza. The second and third? They didnt really appeal to me much. I think they could have elaborated on.


    Quote Originally Posted by ROCKANIME2007 View Post
    choas can not be avoided
    i't will doom you if you try
    it will destroy anything
    willing in it's way

    come to it
    you can't give into it
    destruction it causes
    between the worlds

    fight fight fight against it
    it still will never work
    guns swords weapons cannot stop it
    it will just cause it

    a force stronger then any man
    could ever be or any mere dream
    you will be hunted by it even if you run
    it won't show sorrow none at all
    Well, the use of "it" through out the ballad? I didnt really like it. There are other ways to describe something other than "it". Give chaos a physical or some sort of identity. All we're getting is what "it" can do. Try telling us what we would see in this "it".

    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post


    Inside the mind

    He lingers upon a single thought,
    Wondering what will come next.
    Wasting away in doubt,
    Loosing sight of life.

    Scenarios that he creates,
    Follow routes of his inner self.
    Creating links that bind,
    His ever growing mind.

    Wishing that it wasn't so hard,
    Quality time simply out of reach.
    Remembering again the past times,
    Falling apart once more confined.

    Weary of the time at hand,
    Searching for a reasons to exist.
    Yielding to a giving hand,
    Reaching out finally set free.
    Well, character development and beautiful imagery. Beautiful.

    Quote Originally Posted by raja_psyche View Post

    Forbidden Memories

    All the things that he said
    Keeps on playing in my head
    All those things that he said
    Makes me cry in my bed.

    All the hurts that he caused me,
    All the pain that he repaid me,
    All the suffering that he offered,
    Triggers me to do the forbidden.

    I will keep on running
    I will keep on screaming
    I will keep on escaping
    From the memories of him.

    I will keep on crying
    Tears continuously falling
    I will keep on laughing,
    Until mind meets insane.

    I think your third stanza could be absolutely beautiful and strong. Just delete the "I will's" and rephrase them. I know for sure that it would work out in wonderfully.

    Quote Originally Posted by HieisLove View Post
    Haunted Dreams (No Good)

    Dreams opens up wonders
    Makes things appear to be seen
    Memories or over the future
    I sleep having happy dreams
    But be awaken by a nightmare

    Tears fall having visions of it
    Alone in my room with no comfort
    Hours up holding myself
    I scream but no good

    Blood lying on the floor
    Die love ones everywhere
    I cry and scream "It's not real!!"
    But its no good

    I feel him holding me
    I hear his voice speak to me
    But where I look around
    I see no one there
    Is my mind playing with me?

    My dreams are haunting me
    Makes me cry and scream
    Yet its no good
    Why these haunting dreams
    Please make them go away.....
    Well, this ballad is BEAUTIFUL. Actually, it would be beautiful.. If it werent for the many grammatical errors. In fact, it had imagery, vivid words, and I almost felt the emotion in the poem.

    Quote Originally Posted by N.Y._Soulja View Post
    You told me a lie,
    You told me you'd never let me go free
    A couple of months later, all I can do is sigh,
    you threw me to the ground, six feet deep.

    I spent three months digging
    you spent that time in your room
    you'd hope I'd be forgiving
    but now, my anger will rise soon

    Finally you know the truth.
    I finally got it off my chest
    What needed to be said came out in this booth,
    now I can start life fresh
    The first stanza is my favorite. The second and third? Not so good. I start to get confused. I dont know exactly what is happening. I thought we were in a graveyard, someone being buried alive? Now we're in a room? And a booth? Try to keep the story in one setting, or atleast make easy transitions to the next setting.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nympho View Post
    A feverish night over comes us
    Plunging into bottles
    Beauty’s bar has been lowered
    By a six pack of ale

    Laughs explode from our bellies
    Belching out a song of drunken mastery
    Reddened faces spell a story
    Glazed over eyed comradery

    Enjoying the night we won’t remember
    Spilling honesty like wine
    Moving unseen boundaries happily
    Exposing benefits to disconnected friendships

    Watching the night inch away
    Using toilets as pillows
    A cool surface to cool the nerves
    Losing composure modestly

    Eyelids yield to an unwelcome sun
    Headaches giving evidence unclearly
    An unquenchable thirst moves me
    Unaware of last night’s intoxicated foxtrot
    And we have a winner!!!! My goodness, the first verse of the first stanza brought tears to my eyes. Such words of beauty... -tear falls- My only criticism is.. There's too much vividness. Somethings vivid and then somethings simple would make this an astounding ballad.

    Quote Originally Posted by Baal View Post
    We ment to be
    My sweet sunflower
    that I await in the tower,
    We ment to have all the power.
    Why we took the easy way
    why we took the what i say,
    It brought boulders to our life
    That destroy our perfect path
    to 'new' life.

    We ment to be the happiest couple;
    That make us perfect and 'no' trouble.
    I fell becouse of a pebble called 'trust'
    That make you continue without me.
    In that moment of the fall
    I fell evrything so call,

    no shakes, no words dispaer
    The tower is save
    it will not be teared
    my sweet princes
    We ment to be
    but you teach me how to 'belive'.
    I actually enjoyed reading this ballad. Even with the grammatical and spelling eorros there was just something about it. I love the idea that's behind the words. I'd suggest rereading it, checking the spelling, and try to find a better word choice.

    Quote Originally Posted by HieisLove View Post
    Late nights in
    A room all alone
    Fear that creeps
    up my spine

    Him I fear the most
    Him that hurts me so
    Emotionally and physically
    Him that loves doing this

    The bed I hate to sleep in
    Been tainted by whats
    Happened on it
    I break down at membories

    Blood, tears, and semen
    Stained the sheets
    The evidence been washed away
    But membories are left in my head

    The marks left on my body
    Aren't seen by another other
    Then master himself
    No one has known of him

    All that's heard outside
    The door of my room is
    Silence so no one knows
    Of the truth

    Pain runs through my body
    Tears are cried for my closed eyes
    Master is what I'm ordered to called him
    A worthless being he says I am

    I hate him
    I hate him
    I hate him
    I HATE HIM!!!!!

    He loves to see
    My pain, my sadness, be hopeless
    A turn on it causes him
    Pleasure he feels when he force me

    I want to tell all
    I want my family to help me
    But none know except my sister
    For that I feel the worst that she knows

    Why is what I ask
    Cry and plead is what I do
    A hit is what I recieve
    A loving view it is to him

    I'm tainted
    I'm marked
    I'm a slave
    Of his having
    Hmm. A very, very emotional piece. The wording seems a little iffy to me, but the emotion you tried to convey? I understood it and felt it almost perfectly. Well done.

    Quote Originally Posted by ROCKANIME2007 View Post
    a message

    a message of hope
    hope is coming
    light returns darkness flees
    sadness goes away like healing a bandaged sore

    a message of hope
    celebrate as light returns here
    it comes to a place were darkness flees
    smile it's has been long for all Is happy now
    Hmm. Sometimes repitition isnt that good ina poem. This was really a bare bones poem. There was no upmf to it. I think more elaboration and some vivd words word do it a great deal of justice.
    Last edited by Kasai; Aug 22, 2006 at 02:31 PM.
    Seduced by Flesh


  2. #2
    丹色 月影 BrightShadow_96 may be famous one day BrightShadow_96 may be famous one day BrightShadow_96's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Quote Originally Posted by ROCKANIME2007 View Post
    choas can not be avoided
    i't will doom you if you try
    it will destroy anything
    willing in it's way

    come to it
    you can't give into it
    destruction it causes
    between the worlds

    fight fight fight against it
    it still will never work
    guns swords weapons cannot stop it
    it will just cause it

    a force stronger then any man
    could ever be or any mere dream
    you will be hunted by it even if you run
    it won't show sorrow none at all
    Well.... It it it it kinda said it a little too much. and the ballad doesn't seem to tell what it is... kinda vague
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of Life
    Inside the mind

    He lingers upon a single thought,
    Wondering what will come next.
    Wasting away in doubt,
    Loosing sight of life.

    Scenarios that he creates,
    Follow routes of his inner self.
    Creating links that bind,
    His ever growing mind.

    Wishing that it wasn't so hard,
    Quality time simply out of reach.
    Remembering again the past times,
    Falling apart once more confined.

    Weary of the time at hand,
    Searching for a reasons to exist.
    Yielding to a giving hand,
    Reaching out finally set free.
    I liked the wording in it. Good job.
    Quote Originally Posted by raja_phyche
    Forbidden Memories

    All the things that he said
    Keeps on playing in my head
    All those things that he said
    Makes me cry in my bed.

    All the hurts that he caused me,
    All the pain that he repaid me,
    All the suffering that he offered,
    Triggers me to do the forbidden.

    I will keep on running
    I will keep on screaming
    I will keep on escaping
    From the memories of him.

    I will keep on crying
    Tears continuously falling
    I will keep on laughing,
    Until mind meets insane.
    I really think that this could be turned into a cool song.

  3. #3
    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Empty

    The invisible man waits
    Waits for the pending silence-
    The refuge never meant to come
    The calm concealed by chaos

    He has been lost
    Unseen and forgotten
    A blank memory
    And empty in their eyes

    He has seen them all
    He watches the lies
    They are blind in an empty world
    A chaotic meaninglessness

    So he searches-
    Searches for the awaiting peace
    Hidden behind their empty life
    Growing farther away.


    *smirk* I like it, the development in my opinion is apparent as the person not only is invisible, but slowly becomes invisible in other ways than simply physically.




    Originally Posted by ROCKANIME2007

    choas can not be avoided
    i't will doom you if you try
    it will destroy anything
    willing in it's way

    come to it
    you can't give into it
    destruction it causes
    between the worlds

    fight fight fight against it
    it still will never work
    guns swords weapons cannot stop it
    it will just cause it

    a force stronger then any man
    could ever be or any mere dream
    you will be hunted by it even if you run
    it won't show sorrow none at all


    I agree with Kasai about the "it" part, but seems kind of like a riddle of some sort while giving away what it is I still like it :P



    Originally Posted by raja_psyche

    Forbidden Memories

    All the things that he said
    Keeps on playing in my head
    All those things that he said
    Makes me cry in my bed.

    All the hurts that he caused me,
    All the pain that he repaid me,
    All the suffering that he offered,
    Triggers me to do the forbidden.

    I will keep on running
    I will keep on screaming
    I will keep on escaping
    From the memories of him.

    I will keep on crying
    Tears continuously falling
    I will keep on laughing,
    Until mind meets insane.


    Wow...O.O, I like. It is a lot of ideas thrown together and yet you took the time to make some of it rhyme. But there is a lot of repetition, even if it is intentional, it's always best in my opinion to place diversity in litteracy :P (not sure if litteracy is a word...)
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

  4. #4
    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    choas can not be avoided
    i't will doom you if you try
    it will destroy anything
    willing in it's way

    come to it
    you can't give into it
    destruction it causes
    between the worlds

    fight fight fight against it
    it still will never work
    guns swords weapons cannot stop it
    it will just cause it

    a force stronger then any man
    could ever be or any mere dream
    you will be hunted by it even if you run
    it won't show sorrow none at all


    This doesnt make sense. It isn't telling exactly what the story is about. Unclear. Try to describe it more please.

    Empty

    The invisible man waits
    Waits for the pending silence-
    The refuge never meant to come
    The calm concealed by chaos

    He has been lost
    Unseen and forgotten
    A blank memory
    And empty in their eyes

    He has seen them all
    He watches the lies
    They are blind in an empty world
    A chaotic meaninglessness

    So he searches-
    Searches for the awaiting peace
    Hidden behind their empty life
    Growing farther away.


    This one is good. Reminds me of an old man watching the world from a bus stop. But that last two lines seem iffy. I would think that he already understands life by how you described him before that.

    Inside the mind

    He lingers upon a single thought,
    Wondering what will come next.
    Wasting away in doubt,
    Loosing sight of life.

    Scenarios that he creates,
    Follow routes of his inner self.
    Creating links that bind,
    His ever growing mind.

    Wishing that it wasn't so hard,
    Quality time simply out of reach.
    Remembering again the past times,
    Falling apart once more confined.

    Weary of the time at hand,
    Searching for a reasons to exist.
    Yielding to a giving hand,
    Reaching out finally set free.


    Sounds like a teen going through the changes of life. I think you could have been more thorough in describing it though. But it was good none the less.

    Forbidden Memories

    All the things that he said
    Keeps on playing in my head
    All those things that he said
    Makes me cry in my bed.

    All the hurts that he caused me,
    All the pain that he repaid me,
    All the suffering that he offered,
    Triggers me to do the forbidden.

    I will keep on running
    I will keep on screaming
    I will keep on escaping
    From the memories of him.

    I will keep on crying
    Tears continuously falling
    I will keep on laughing,
    Until mind meets insane.


    If you change the repetitive words usage it would be more enjoyable to read. Or if the words used more often had some kind of pattern.

    Haunted Dreams (No Good)

    Dreams opens up wonders
    Makes things appear to be seen
    Memories or over the future
    I sleep having happy dreams
    But be awaken by a nightmare

    Tears fall having visions of it
    Alone in my room with no comfort
    Hours up holding myself
    I scream but no good

    Blood lying on the floor
    Die love ones everywhere
    I cry and scream "It's not real!!"
    But its no good

    I feel him holding me
    I hear his voice speak to me
    But where I look around
    I see no one there
    Is my mind playing with me?

    My dreams are haunting me
    Makes me cry and scream
    Yet its no good
    Why these haunting dreams
    Please make them go away.....


    A ballad is supposed to be made from quatrains of four. In two sections you used 5 or 6. And in your thrid section, it needs to be revised. Grammar errors that make it not make sense. Fix those up and then it will sound great!

    You told me a lie,
    You told me you'd never let me go free
    A couple of months later, all I can do is sigh,
    you threw me to the ground, six feet deep.

    I spent three months digging
    you spent that time in your room
    you'd hope I'd be forgiving
    but now, my anger will rise soon

    Finally you know the truth.
    I finally got it off my chest
    What needed to be said came out in this booth,
    now I can start life fresh


    I like this one. No changes needed!
    Last edited by Nympho; Aug 15, 2006 at 08:38 PM.

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

  5. #5
    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·. HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    I guess my poem sucked *sighs*
    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·._.·'¯) ♥

  6. #6
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Eh? Nothing sucks in this clan.
    Seduced by Flesh


  7. #7
    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Sorry Sensai. I kind of write that way. But i can change it up a little. Just its hard not to describe what i want with out sayin too much.

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

  8. #8
    Otaku raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche may be famous one day raja_psyche's Avatar
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    Re: Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Empty

    The invisible man waits
    Waits for the pending silence-
    The refuge never meant to come
    The calm concealed by chaos

    He has been lost
    Unseen and forgotten
    A blank memory
    And empty in their eyes

    He has seen them all
    He watches the lies
    They are blind in an empty world
    A chaotic meaninglessness

    So he searches-
    Searches for the awaiting peace
    Hidden behind their empty life
    Growing farther away.
    This poem is good as it is. i liked this one. it would be more appealing if more descriptive wordings are used.


    Originally Posted by ROCKANIME2007
    choas can not be avoided
    i't will doom you if you try
    it will destroy anything
    willing in it's way

    come to it
    you can't give into it
    destruction it causes
    between the worlds

    fight fight fight against it
    it still will never work
    guns swords weapons cannot stop it
    it will just cause it

    a force stronger then any man
    could ever be or any mere dream
    you will be hunted by it even if you run
    it won't show sorrow none at all

    Choas should be changed to chaos (got to be careful with the spelling). the "it" should be changed to an idea more specific in order for the reader to visualize what's on your mind.

    Originally Posted by Soldat of life


    Inside the mind

    He lingers upon a single thought,
    Wondering what will come next.
    Wasting away in doubt,
    Loosing sight of life.

    Scenarios that he creates,
    Follow routes of his inner self.
    Creating links that bind,
    His ever growing mind.

    Wishing that it wasn't so hard,
    Quality time simply out of reach.
    Remembering again the past times,
    Falling apart once more confined.

    Weary of the time at hand,
    Searching for a reasons to exist.
    Yielding to a giving hand,
    Reaching out finally set free.
    i liked this kind of style in writing. all in all good job for giving descriptions and imagery.


    Originally Posted by HieisLove
    Haunted Dreams (No Good)

    Dreams opens up wonders
    Makes things appear to be seen
    Memories or over the future
    I sleep having happy dreams
    But be awaken by a nightmare

    Tears fall having visions of it
    Alone in my room with no comfort
    Hours up holding myself
    I scream but no good

    Blood lying on the floor
    Die love ones everywhere
    I cry and scream "It's not real!!"
    But its no good

    I feel him holding me
    I hear his voice speak to me
    But where I look around
    I see no one there
    Is my mind playing with me?

    My dreams are haunting me
    Makes me cry and scream
    Yet its no good
    Why these haunting dreams
    Please make them go away.....

    This piece is good, but i suggest consistency in the number of lines in the stanzas.


    Originally Posted by N.Y._Soulja
    You told me a lie,
    You told me you'd never let me go free
    A couple of months later, all I can do is sigh,
    you threw me to the ground, six feet deep.

    I spent three months digging
    you spent that time in your room
    you'd hope I'd be forgiving
    but now, my anger will rise soon

    Finally you know the truth.
    I finally got it off my chest
    What needed to be said came out in this booth,
    now I can start life fresh
    Poem is good, the ideas should be more freely expressed in order for the reader to feel what this poem is trying to say.


    Originally Posted by Nympho
    A feverish night over comes us
    Plunging into bottles
    Beauty’s bar has been lowered
    By a six pack of ale

    Laughs explode from our bellies
    Belching out a song of drunken mastery
    Reddened faces spell a story
    Glazed over eyed comradery

    Enjoying the night we won’t remember
    Spilling honesty like wine
    Moving unseen boundaries happily
    Exposing benefits to disconnected friendships

    Watching the night inch away
    Using toilets as pillows
    A cool surface to cool the nerves
    Losing composure modestly

    Eyelids yield to an unwelcome sun
    Headaches giving evidence unclearly
    An unquenchable thirst moves me
    Unaware of last night’s intoxicated foxtrot
    wow!!! this poem has wordings that appeals to the readers. the descriptions are image-making, that made me read further. ^^


    Originally Posted by Baal
    We ment to be
    My sweet sunflower
    that I await in the tower,
    We ment to have all the power.
    Why we took the easy way
    why we took the what i say,
    It brought boulders to our life
    That destroy our perfect path
    to 'new' life.

    We ment to be the happiest couple;
    That make us perfect and 'no' trouble.
    I fell becouse of a pebble called 'trust'
    That make you continue without me.
    In that moment of the fall
    I fell evrything so call,

    no shakes, no words dispaer
    The tower is save
    it will not be teared
    my sweet princes
    We ment to be
    but you teach me how to 'belive'.
    this poem would be better if the correct spelling of words are observed. Correct spelling is a factor of giving the poem a breath of life in it. Observe grammar also, so that the reader will feel the feelings you breathe in the poem.


    Originally Posted by HieisLove
    Late nights in
    A room all alone
    Fear that creeps
    up my spine

    Him I fear the most
    Him that hurts me so
    Emotionally and physically
    Him that loves doing this

    The bed I hate to sleep in
    Been tainted by whats
    Happened on it
    I break down at membories

    Blood, tears, and semen
    Stained the sheets
    The evidence been washed away
    But membories are left in my head

    The marks left on my body
    Aren't seen by another other
    Then master himself
    No one has known of him

    All that's heard outside
    The door of my room is
    Silence so no one knows
    Of the truth

    Pain runs through my body
    Tears are cried for my closed eyes
    Master is what I'm ordered to called him
    A worthless being he says I am

    I hate him
    I hate him
    I hate him
    I HATE HIM!!!!!

    He loves to see
    My pain, my sadness, be hopeless
    A turn on it causes him
    Pleasure he feels when he force me

    I want to tell all
    I want my family to help me
    But none know except my sister
    For that I feel the worst that she knows

    Why is what I ask
    Cry and plead is what I do
    A hit is what I recieve
    A loving view it is to him

    I'm tainted
    I'm marked
    I'm a slave
    Of his having
    Wow a poem that is filled with feelings. Reading the poem made me think that i'm in the subject's shoes... i almost felt that the experiences in the poem are mine... Great wording i must say. Keep it up!

    Originally Posted by ROCKANIME2007
    a message

    a message of hope
    hope is coming
    light returns darkness flees
    sadness goes away like healing a bandaged sore

    a message of hope
    celebrate as light returns here
    it comes to a place were darkness flees
    smile it's has been long for all Is happy now
    this is good if some revisions would be done. this poem is in need of detail.
    Last edited by raja_psyche; Aug 28, 2006 at 03:54 AM.

    Thank you very much,Reese for this wonderful signature ^_^

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