Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Practice.2- End Rhyme (CRITIQUE.comments)

  1. #1
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,736
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Practice.2- End Rhyme (CRITIQUE.comments)

    You know the deal, gang. Let's see some wonderful critique and comments.


    Slave

    I'm told I'm worthless
    Somewhat I'm left breathless

    Used to think I was pure
    Now I'm just unsure

    Is it what I believe?
    Why a beating I recieve?

    Here I sit in tears
    My cries he hears

    On a bed in chains
    Sheets covered with stains

    Abuse my body get
    My face always wet

    I tried to stay in the light
    But now its leaving my sight

    Oh, I love this poem. I just wish the verses were longer! You have the main words, now let's get some vivd words!


    ''Eternal love''


    I was wrong leas i could be
    to let u go way from me
    ill regret that forever

    But now i see a shine of light
    i just want to do thing right

    We could be better than before
    now i can love u even more
    this time im sure

    Never let u go
    never going to give up my soul

    hold ur body close to mine
    and have eternal love forever.

    I had to reread the poem. I really would love it if there some were spelling errors corrected, punctuation, and capitalization used. >.< And only a few of the verses rhymed. Even thugh that's acceptable, I'd prefer if for the second practice? You actually try to rhyme the complete poem.


    Freedom

    The world where I reside,
    I fly along it as a ride.

    Cycling endlessly to a new destination,
    We follow each other in total fascination.

    Creating new things to do together,
    Rejoicing of our time entwined forever.

    And yet I am alone in my mind,
    To truly understand what lies behind.

    A tear of joy passes beyond her figure,
    My soul cries out as I cannot linger.

    Deep within lies my true beliefs,
    Under a tree of many leafs.

    Riding once again the endless flow,
    I free myself of all that is hallow.


    Hmm. I want more description about this world you reside in. And you can conbine two verses to make a quatrain. So, it would be a quatrain end verse poem. So, more description. ^-^

    There’s an irritation in my senses
    Breaking down my defenses

    My breath has come short
    Blowing out discomforting coughs support

    Scarlet vertical gaze
    Thin damp rag on my face

    I’m cheering on my sneeze
    Removing pressure at ease

    Shallow inhalation
    Laying down my arms in submission

    I sleep to regenerate vigor
    Like an honorable defeated soldier


    I liked this piece. ^-^ Though it seems as if you concentrated on the rhyming more than the visual imagery. Dont worry Nympho, most of my poems are free verse as well.

    Kitties Meowing
    Doggies Barking

    Chickens Boking
    Cowsees Mooing

    Wolvies Howling
    Pumas Growling

    Every Thing Speaking
    Every One Talking

    Every Body has something to Say
    E Specially Today


    but from Where the Voice is Comin'
    Don't Mean Nothin'

    All Together Created
    All Together Related

    Lol. Well, that was a cute poem to read.

    Spring

    The sun is brightly shining,
    As the snow starts melting.

    The cold wind begins blowing,
    As the ice upon the trees are falling.

    The flower buds are blooming,
    The butterflies start nectar-gathering.

    The birds are happily chirping,
    Also, the bees are busily buzzing.

    The children are joyfully playing,
    By the stream that starts flowing.



    My, my... Beautiful, Raja. I love the imagery and the flow was wonderful. Awesome job.

    Jekyll & Hyde

    A monster lurks inside me
    Where is it from an evil deed?

    The Jeykll outside
    but Hyde wants a stride

    He's finally free,
    to do as he please.

    His sins will send us to Hell
    The blood on my hands, with a great smell

    DAMN YOU HYDE! SET ME FREE!
    Can't you see? You are ME!

    Deep inside...
    YOU ARE HYDE!

    No.... NEVER!
    YES! FOREVER!


    Hmmm. The idea is awesome. But, it needs more work. It seemed as if you just through some words together in hopes of them making sense.
    Last edited by Kasai; Aug 27, 2006 at 12:58 PM.
    Seduced by Flesh


  2. #2
    S.E.L - sexy etna lover Baal may be famous one day Baal may be famous one day Baal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Mayaguez
    Posts
    1,064
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Practice.2- End Rhyme (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Slave

    I'm told I'm worthless
    Somewhat I'm left breathless

    Used to think I was pure
    Now I'm just unsure

    Is it what I believe?
    Why a beating I recieve?

    Here I sit in tears
    My cries he hears

    On a bed in chains
    Sheets covered with stains

    Abuse my body get
    My face always wet

    I tried to stay in the light
    But now its leaving my sight




    '' the poem so dark but it rimes perfectly i love it''



    perdoname michelle!

  3. #3
    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    I get bored easily
    Posts
    523
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 6 Times in 4 Posts

    Re: Practice.2- End Rhyme (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Freedom

    The world where I reside,
    I fly along it as a ride.

    Cycling endlessly to a new destination,
    We follow each other in total fascination.

    Creating new things to do together,
    Rejoicing of our time entwined forever.

    And yet I am alone in my mind,
    To truly understand what lies behind.

    A tear of joy passes beyond her figure,
    My soul cries out as I cannot linger.

    Deep within lies my true beliefs,
    Under a tree of many leafs.

    Riding once again the endless flow,
    I free myself of all that is hallow.

    This one didn't grasp one idea. It kinda took a whole bunch of nice sounding lines. And threw them together. I think this needed a better structure to make it one feeling. And not fluttering thoughts of confusing poetry.

    Slave

    I'm told I'm worthless
    Somewhat I'm left breathless

    Used to think I was pure
    Now I'm just unsure

    Is it what I believe?
    Why a beating I recieve?

    Here I sit in tears
    My cries he hears

    On a bed in chains
    Sheets covered with stains

    Abuse my body get
    My face always wet

    I tried to stay in the light
    But now its leaving my sight

    This was a little disturbing. Sounds like a kidnapped sex victims confession. Its unsettling. But that doesnt mean its not good. I actually think you did a grat job. The end rhymes were a little obvious. But you can always work on that.

    ''Eternal love''



    I was wrong leas i could be
    to let u go way from me
    ill regret that forever

    But now i see a shine of light
    i just want to do thing right

    We could be better than before
    now i can love u even more
    this time im sure

    Never let u go
    never going to give up my soul

    hold ur body close to mine
    and have eternal love forever.

    For one there was too much grammatical errors that didnt help me understand your point. Two. You didnt follow the end rhyme rules. Last word of every line rhyme. Look at the others end rhymes and you will see what i mean.
    Last edited by Nympho; Aug 22, 2006 at 09:18 PM.

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

  4. #4
    is On Point Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Mr. Foxie's Den...
    Posts
    1,695
    Thanks
    78
    Thanked 42 Times in 37 Posts

    Re: Practice.2- End Rhyme (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Slave

    I'm told I'm worthless
    Somewhat I'm left breathless

    Used to think I was pure
    Now I'm just unsure

    Is it what I believe?
    Why a beating I recieve?

    Here I sit in tears
    My cries he hears

    On a bed in chains
    Sheets covered with stains

    Abuse my body get
    My face always wet

    I tried to stay in the light
    But now its leaving my sight


    ^_^ this is a very nice poem! i think a few of the words could be altered to better altered to show the meaning though, perhaps digging into the Thesaurs to find some deliciously dark words! that might help make it better than it already is!

    Freedom

    The world where I reside,
    I fly along it as a ride.

    Cycling endlessly to a new destination,
    We follow each other in total fascination.

    Creating new things to do together,
    Rejoicing of our time entwined forever.

    And yet I am alone in my mind,
    To truly understand what lies behind.

    A tear of joy passes beyond her figure,
    My soul cries out as I cannot linger.

    Deep within lies my true beliefs,
    Under a tree of many leafs.

    Riding once again the endless flow,
    I free myself of all that is hallow.


    I'd have to agree with Nympho on this one, each line is beautiful on its own. However, they seemed tossed together, it doesn't seem to have a destination. It may help to re-read what you've written to see if someone else would know what was going on!


    ''Eternal love''



    I was wrong leas i could be
    to let u go way from me
    ill regret that forever

    But now i see a shine of light
    i just want to do thing right

    We could be better than before
    now i can love u even more
    this time im sure

    Never let u go
    never going to give up my soul

    hold ur body close to mine
    and have eternal love forever.


    ^_^ i like where this is going, but it got lost somewhere in the spelling... i think if you proof-read a little more, that should all be taken care of! as for the rules, they're made to help you grow not cramp your style, but if you like the poem the way it is, then save it and write another one that better fits the criteria! good luck!

    ^_^ and of course mine wil be awesome! muahahahaaa!

  5. #5
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,736
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Practice.2- End Rhyme (CRITIQUE.comments)

    It seems as if we need more critique fro mmembers... ^-^
    Seduced by Flesh


Similar Threads

  1. Practice.2- Ballad Poetry! (CRITIQUE.comments)
    By Kasai in forum Archive of Events
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: Aug 28, 2006, 03:51 AM
  2. Practice.2 - End Rhyme
    By Kasai in forum Archive of Events
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: Aug 27, 2006, 12:59 PM
  3. Practice.1- End Rhyme
    By Kasai in forum Archive of Events
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: Aug 27, 2006, 09:49 AM
  4. Practice.1- Ballad Poetry (CRITIQUE.comments)
    By Kasai in forum Archive of Events
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: Aug 20, 2006, 06:26 PM
  5. why doesnt anything rhyme with orange???
    By Mazer in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: Feb 11, 2005, 09:26 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts