Kasai

You know the deal, gang. Let's see some wonderful critique and comments.


Slave

I'm told I'm worthless
Somewhat I'm left breathless

Used to think I was pure
Now I'm just unsure

Is it what I believe?
Why a beating I recieve?

Here I sit in tears
My cries he hears

On a bed in chains
Sheets covered with stains

Abuse my body get
My face always wet

I tried to stay in the light
But now its leaving my sight

Oh, I love this poem. I just wish the verses were longer! You have the main words, now let's get some vivd words!


''Eternal love''


I was wrong leas i could be
to let u go way from me
ill regret that forever

But now i see a shine of light
i just want to do thing right

We could be better than before
now i can love u even more
this time im sure

Never let u go
never going to give up my soul

hold ur body close to mine
and have eternal love forever.

I had to reread the poem. I really would love it if there some were spelling errors corrected, punctuation, and capitalization used. >.< And only a few of the verses rhymed. Even thugh that's acceptable, I'd prefer if for the second practice? You actually try to rhyme the complete poem.


Freedom

The world where I reside,
I fly along it as a ride.

Cycling endlessly to a new destination,
We follow each other in total fascination.

Creating new things to do together,
Rejoicing of our time entwined forever.

And yet I am alone in my mind,
To truly understand what lies behind.

A tear of joy passes beyond her figure,
My soul cries out as I cannot linger.

Deep within lies my true beliefs,
Under a tree of many leafs.

Riding once again the endless flow,
I free myself of all that is hallow.

Hmm. I want more description about this world you reside in. And you can conbine two verses to make a quatrain. So, it would be a quatrain end verse poem. So, more description. ^-^

There’s an irritation in my senses
Breaking down my defenses

My breath has come short
Blowing out discomforting coughs support

Scarlet vertical gaze
Thin damp rag on my face

I’m cheering on my sneeze
Removing pressure at ease

Shallow inhalation
Laying down my arms in submission

I sleep to regenerate vigor
Like an honorable defeated soldier

I liked this piece. ^-^ Though it seems as if you concentrated on the rhyming more than the visual imagery. Dont worry Nympho, most of my poems are free verse as well.

Kitties Meowing
Doggies Barking

Chickens Boking
Cowsees Mooing

Wolvies Howling
Pumas Growling

Every Thing Speaking
Every One Talking

Every Body has something to Say
E Specially Today


but from Where the Voice is Comin'
Don't Mean Nothin'

All Together Created
All Together Related

Lol. Well, that was a cute poem to read.

Spring

The sun is brightly shining,
As the snow starts melting.

The cold wind begins blowing,
As the ice upon the trees are falling.

The flower buds are blooming,
The butterflies start nectar-gathering.

The birds are happily chirping,
Also, the bees are busily buzzing.

The children are joyfully playing,
By the stream that starts flowing.



My, my... Beautiful, Raja. I love the imagery and the flow was wonderful. Awesome job.

Jekyll & Hyde

A monster lurks inside me
Where is it from an evil deed?

The Jeykll outside
but Hyde wants a stride

He's finally free,
to do as he please.

His sins will send us to Hell
The blood on my hands, with a great smell

DAMN YOU HYDE! SET ME FREE!
Can't you see? You are ME!

Deep inside...
YOU ARE HYDE!

No.... NEVER!
YES! FOREVER!

Hmmm. The idea is awesome. But, it needs more work. It seemed as if you just through some words together in hopes of them making sense.

__________________

Baal

Slave

I'm told I'm worthless
Somewhat I'm left breathless

Used to think I was pure
Now I'm just unsure

Is it what I believe?
Why a beating I recieve?

Here I sit in tears
My cries he hears

On a bed in chains
Sheets covered with stains

Abuse my body get
My face always wet

I tried to stay in the light
But now its leaving my sight




'' the poem so dark but it rimes perfectly i love it''

__________________



perdoname michelle!

Nympho

Freedom

The world where I reside,
I fly along it as a ride.

Cycling endlessly to a new destination,
We follow each other in total fascination.

Creating new things to do together,
Rejoicing of our time entwined forever.

And yet I am alone in my mind,
To truly understand what lies behind.

A tear of joy passes beyond her figure,
My soul cries out as I cannot linger.

Deep within lies my true beliefs,
Under a tree of many leafs.

Riding once again the endless flow,
I free myself of all that is hallow.

This one didn't grasp one idea. It kinda took a whole bunch of nice sounding lines. And threw them together. I think this needed a better structure to make it one feeling. And not fluttering thoughts of confusing poetry.

Slave

I'm told I'm worthless
Somewhat I'm left breathless

Used to think I was pure
Now I'm just unsure

Is it what I believe?
Why a beating I recieve?

Here I sit in tears
My cries he hears

On a bed in chains
Sheets covered with stains

Abuse my body get
My face always wet

I tried to stay in the light
But now its leaving my sight

This was a little disturbing. Sounds like a kidnapped sex victims confession. Its unsettling. But that doesnt mean its not good. I actually think you did a grat job. The end rhymes were a little obvious. But you can always work on that.

''Eternal love''



I was wrong leas i could be
to let u go way from me
ill regret that forever

But now i see a shine of light
i just want to do thing right

We could be better than before
now i can love u even more
this time im sure

Never let u go
never going to give up my soul

hold ur body close to mine
and have eternal love forever.

For one there was too much grammatical errors that didnt help me understand your point. Two. You didnt follow the end rhyme rules. Last word of every line rhyme. Look at the others end rhymes and you will see what i mean.

__________________

I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

Abu Dhabi

Slave

I'm told I'm worthless
Somewhat I'm left breathless

Used to think I was pure
Now I'm just unsure

Is it what I believe?
Why a beating I recieve?

Here I sit in tears
My cries he hears

On a bed in chains
Sheets covered with stains

Abuse my body get
My face always wet

I tried to stay in the light
But now its leaving my sight

^_^ this is a very nice poem! i think a few of the words could be altered to better altered to show the meaning though, perhaps digging into the Thesaurs to find some deliciously dark words! that might help make it better than it already is!

Freedom

The world where I reside,
I fly along it as a ride.

Cycling endlessly to a new destination,
We follow each other in total fascination.

Creating new things to do together,
Rejoicing of our time entwined forever.

And yet I am alone in my mind,
To truly understand what lies behind.

A tear of joy passes beyond her figure,
My soul cries out as I cannot linger.

Deep within lies my true beliefs,
Under a tree of many leafs.

Riding once again the endless flow,
I free myself of all that is hallow.

I'd have to agree with Nympho on this one, each line is beautiful on its own. However, they seemed tossed together, it doesn't seem to have a destination. It may help to re-read what you've written to see if someone else would know what was going on!


''Eternal love''



I was wrong leas i could be
to let u go way from me
ill regret that forever

But now i see a shine of light
i just want to do thing right

We could be better than before
now i can love u even more
this time im sure

Never let u go
never going to give up my soul

hold ur body close to mine
and have eternal love forever.

^_^ i like where this is going, but it got lost somewhere in the spelling... i think if you proof-read a little more, that should all be taken care of! as for the rules, they're made to help you grow not cramp your style, but if you like the poem the way it is, then save it and write another one that better fits the criteria! good luck!

^_^ and of course mine wil be awesome! muahahahaaa!

__________________

Kasai

It seems as if we need more critique fro mmembers... ^-^

__________________