Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

*Kasai* · Sep 11, 2006, 07:56 PM

You guys know the drill, start critique, comments, or a responsive poem to a member's work.

A responsive poem is just a poem you wrote in response to the author's prose.

Nympho · Sep 11, 2006, 09:17 PM

Algebra

numbers all the way
so many problems
that are over my head
i get confused in the second
and get bad points in it's test

my head burns like calling for help
cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
the existence of algebra
gives me a lot of questions
that get me no where in my mind

weeee... im like in the space
of infinity problems to solve
i cant keep the letters on my head
or ill explode and end in eternal
dudas.

I hate math. As a free verse it worked, subject did not peak my interest in the least. But there was nothing wrong with this though.

*Abu Dhabi* · Sep 13, 2006, 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nympho

To Noah Love Mom

You shadow my insides
Linger within my darkness
Make everyday yours and all I live for
Your amber lining
Set aflame
Burning a piece of my heart away
I have never met you
But you already mean everything to me
Taking every breath so much deeper
To fill your lungs
Your heart beat echoes

^_^ i thought this poem was well written and very sweet! the emotion practically falls off the words! good job!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baal

Algebra

numbers all the way
so many problems
that are over my head
i get confused in the second
and get bad points in it's test

my head burns like calling for help
cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
the existence of algebra
gives me a lot of questions
that get me no where in my mind

weeee... im like in the space
of infinity problems to solve
i cant keep the letters on my head
or ill explode and end in eternal
dudas.

i think the child-likeness of this poem had an effect on the subject. Meaning, it really felt like you hated algebra! certainly not something just anyone would think to write of this!

*BrightShadow_96* · Sep 13, 2006, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baal

(Me dunno like much free verses there so empty.. o well here goes nothing.. an dont say i stoled this free verse from u

)

Algebra

numbers all the way
so many problems
that are over my head
i get confused in the second
and get bad points in it's test

my head burns like calling for help
cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
the existence of algebra
gives me a lot of questions
that get me no where in my mind

weeee... im like in the space
of infinity problems to solve
i cant keep the letters on my head
or ill explode and end in eternal
dudas.

Well, you obviously do not like algebra. lol This poem has no 'rythym', which is not a bad thing at all since this is free verse, which is why I don't really like free verse. There's no feeling to free verse... But anyway, there's nothing really wrong about this poem, so good job.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nympho

To Noah Love Mom

You shadow my insides
Linger within my darkness
Make everyday yours and all I live for
Your amber lining
Set aflame
Burning a piece of my heart away
I have never met you
But you already mean everything to me
Taking every breath so much deeper
To fill your lungs
Your heart beat echoes

I really like this one. even though it's free verse it seems to lack that emptiness that most free verse poems do- which is a good thing. very nice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abu Dhabi

This is free.

.................................................. Free to go here.

... Free to go there.

Free to go anywhere.
Free to be here with you.

Free to be there with them.

Free to exist.
Free to not.

Everything thing around here is

free.

It's good, though it is a bit short and not very detailed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by raja_psyche

this poem is one of the ones i posted in AO. this poem is made by me entirely. this poem is inspired from daddy long legs. hmmm... some of the lines do rhyme... but there are parts that don't rhyme also. this poem is long... wahehehe! ^^

Monsieur Smith

Looking outside my window pane,
My heart is filled with antagonizing pain
As I set my black eyes upon a family
Who are walking together cheerfully.

My head is being stabbed
With helplessness so sharp
That I will never find someone
Who’ll make the bleeding stop.

It’s been fourteen lonesome years,
That no caring father and mother,
That no loving brothers or sisters,
Are at hand to cuddle me in cold winter.

My mind is filled with endless longing,
My soul is in eternal wandering,
My heart is in infinite suffering,
That I will spend all my life in the orphanage.

The hurtful thoughts almost invades
My mind that nearly fades.
Then, I heard a knocking sound
That makes my heart pound.

Hearing a loud voice outside that door
Telling me go to the Office of Mrs. Lippett
My heart continues to ponder,
The reason I really don’t get.

I opened the wooden door,
Not knowing what is in store,
I see a fleeting impression of the man
The impression consisted entirely of tallness

He is waving his arm towards an automobile
That is waiting in the curved drive
As it sprang into motion and approached,
Head on for an instant.

The glaring headlights threw his shadow
Sharply against the wall inside
The shadow pictured grotesquely
Elongated legs and arms.

That run along the floor and
Up the wall of the corridor
It looked, for all the world, like a huge
Wavering daddy-long-legs.

That image takes my breath away,
Knowing how tall that man may be.
I walked hurriedly to Mrs. Lippett’s office
Before my excitement will cease.

Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
Asked me if a saw a man
As I walked into her office.
I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

Then, ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
Begins to reveal the news
That a Monsieur loved my poem
And is now sending me to college.

Hearing the news made my heart
Feel that this is a brand new start.
It feels that my soul suddenly shed its skin
Into happiness from the loneliness it has been.

Mrs. Lippett now tells me directly
The Mr. John Smith is the kind monsieur
Who sends orphans into college
For the reason she also understand.

I run outside her office
Excitement whirls in to my mind
Hoping that I, myself will find
And thank the kind Monsieur.

hmm... It kinda sounds like more of a story than a poem. But, it's still good. It could use a little detail here and there though.

*HieisLove* · Sep 15, 2006, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baal

(Me dunno like much free verses there so empty.. o well here goes nothing.. an dont say i stoled this free verse from u

)

Algebra

numbers all the way
so many problems
that are over my head
i get confused in the second
and get bad points in it's test

my head burns like calling for help
cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
the existence of algebra
gives me a lot of questions
that get me no where in my mind

weeee... im like in the space
of infinity problems to solve
i cant keep the letters on my head
or ill explode and end in eternal
dudas.

I like it. Makes me think how math can be hard sometime. There are some errors but its still cool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nympho

To Noah Love Mom

You shadow my insides
Linger within my darkness
Make everyday yours and all I live for
Your amber lining
Set aflame
Burning a piece of my heart away
I have never met you
But you already mean everything to me
Taking every breath so much deeper
To fill your lungs
Your heart beat echoes

Sounds awesome. Full of emotion. It made me shiver abit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abu Dhabi

This is free.

.................................................. Free to go here.

... Free to go there.

Free to go anywhere.
Free to be here with you.

Free to be there with them.

Free to exist.
Free to not.

Everything thing around here is

free.

Short but cool

Quote:

Originally Posted by raja_psyche

this poem is one of the ones i posted in AO. this poem is made by me entirely. this poem is inspired from daddy long legs. hmmm... some of the lines do rhyme... but there are parts that don't rhyme also. this poem is long... wahehehe! ^^

Monsieur Smith

Looking outside my window pane,
My heart is filled with antagonizing pain
As I set my black eyes upon a family
Who are walking together cheerfully.

My head is being stabbed
With helplessness so sharp
That I will never find someone
Who’ll make the bleeding stop.

It’s been fourteen lonesome years,
That no caring father and mother,
That no loving brothers or sisters,
Are at hand to cuddle me in cold winter.

My mind is filled with endless longing,
My soul is in eternal wandering,
My heart is in infinite suffering,
That I will spend all my life in the orphanage.

The hurtful thoughts almost invades
My mind that nearly fades.
Then, I heard a knocking sound
That makes my heart pound.

Hearing a loud voice outside that door
Telling me go to the Office of Mrs. Lippett
My heart continues to ponder,
The reason I really don’t get.

I opened the wooden door,
Not knowing what is in store,
I see a fleeting impression of the man
The impression consisted entirely of tallness

He is waving his arm towards an automobile
That is waiting in the curved drive
As it sprang into motion and approached,
Head on for an instant.

The glaring headlights threw his shadow
Sharply against the wall inside
The shadow pictured grotesquely
Elongated legs and arms.

That run along the floor and
Up the wall of the corridor
It looked, for all the world, like a huge
Wavering daddy-long-legs.

That image takes my breath away,
Knowing how tall that man may be.
I walked hurriedly to Mrs. Lippett’s office
Before my excitement will cease.

Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
Asked me if a saw a man
As I walked into her office.
I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

Then, ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
Begins to reveal the news
That a Monsieur loved my poem
And is now sending me to college.

Hearing the news made my heart
Feel that this is a brand new start.
It feels that my soul suddenly shed its skin
Into happiness from the loneliness it has been.

Mrs. Lippett now tells me directly
The Mr. John Smith is the kind monsieur
Who sends orphans into college
For the reason she also understand.

I run outside her office
Excitement whirls in to my mind
Hoping that I, myself will find
And thank the kind Monsieur.

Love it. Its awesome. I enjoy reading your poems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrightShadow_96

Silent Snow

The snow falls so languidly,
oh so languidly
down to the ground
resting on my feet
cloaking my cold face-
as cold as the snow flakes.

Society shuffles past silently,
oh so silently
Walking around blindly in the snow

Waiting for there lives to activate
Ever-searching for the pending silence-
All of the silence still to come.

Nothing is everywhere,
but everywhere is nothing,
Nothing compared to the real world
This real world of silent snow

I am apart from this blindness,
In so many ways.
For I am the snow-
Watching the people,
Watching their flaws,
Watching their lives.

I love this one too. Its so beautiful

Soldat of life · Sep 16, 2006, 10:51 PM

Baal

Algebra

numbers all the way
so many problems
that are over my head
i get confused in the second
and get bad points in it's test

my head burns like calling for help
cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
the existence of algebra
gives me a lot of questions
that get me no where in my mind

weeee... im like in the space
of infinity problems to solve
i cant keep the letters on my head
or ill explode and end in eternal
dudas.

...okay, I think you were just a tad preoccupied by your exam...and well, didn't take care to correctly spell the thingies and just threw your thoughts right there. I can't say it's your best work, but you did write what was on your mind and that's okay....though you should know that you can do better than that

Nympho

To Noah Love Mom

You shadow my insides
Linger within my darkness
Make everyday yours and all I live for
Your amber lining
Set aflame
Burning a piece of my heart away
I have never met you
But you already mean everything to me
Taking every breath so much deeper
To fill your lungs
Your heart beat echoes

And this is the not quite opposite of what Baal wrote, but well, I think you put big words and put them in good places

I think I understand your feeling, but just being able to feel part of the writing is what I think counts the most. If someone can put themselves at the place of the writing, I think it's great. Any intelligent commenting....*thinks*, I think you just nailed it so...gah, nothing bad to say really :P

Abu Dhabi

................................................. Free to go here.

... Free to go there.

Free to go anywhere.
Free to be here with you.

Free to be there with them.

Free to exist.
Free to not.

Everything thing around here is

free.

O.O, now that's what I call going truly free...or wild in another sense. I'd say how you placed your poem is more noteworthy than what you wrote in it. Though I don't have much to work with, you really have the notion of freedom in what you created. Though I'd recommend if you want to improve to find new words to show what you wanna express...though you don't have to, everyone has their way of expressing themselves.

Raja_Psyche

Monsieur Smith

Looking outside my window pane,
My heart is filled with antagonizing pain
As I set my black eyes upon a family
Who are walking together cheerfully.

My head is being stabbed
With helplessness so sharp
That I will never find someone
Who’ll make the bleeding stop.

It’s been fourteen lonesome years,
That no caring father and mother,
That no loving brothers or sisters,
Are at hand to cuddle me in cold winter.

My mind is filled with endless longing,
My soul is in eternal wandering,
My heart is in infinite suffering,
That I will spend all my life in the orphanage.

The hurtful thoughts almost invades
My mind that nearly fades.
Then, I heard a knocking sound
That makes my heart pound.

Hearing a loud voice outside that door
Telling me go to the Office of Mrs. Lippett
My heart continues to ponder,
The reason I really don’t get.

I opened the wooden door,
Not knowing what is in store,
I see a fleeting impression of the man
The impression consisted entirely of tallness

He is waving his arm towards an automobile
That is waiting in the curved drive
As it sprang into motion and approached,
Head on for an instant.

The glaring headlights threw his shadow
Sharply against the wall inside
The shadow pictured grotesquely
Elongated legs and arms.

That run along the floor and
Up the wall of the corridor
It looked, for all the world, like a huge
Wavering daddy-long-legs.

That image takes my breath away,
Knowing how tall that man may be.
I walked hurriedly to Mrs. Lippett’s office
Before my excitement will cease.

Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
Asked me if a saw a man
As I walked into her office.
I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

Then, ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
Begins to reveal the news
That a Monsieur loved my poem
And is now sending me to college.

Hearing the news made my heart
Feel that this is a brand new start.
It feels that my soul suddenly shed its skin
Into happiness from the loneliness it has been.

Mrs. Lippett now tells me directly
The Mr. John Smith is the kind monsieur
Who sends orphans into college
For the reason she also understand.

I run outside her office
Excitement whirls in to my mind
Hoping that I, myself will find
And thank the kind Monsieur.

A nice story that begins saddly as a poem and slowly into a ballad seeming as a narrated story. I find the development nice, but this mixes more than a poem so I'd call this not exactly a poem. But at the same time, this is a free verse so anything can go xD You have a nice way of saying things, though a few parts don't seem right for a poem at all, for example:

Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
Asked me if a saw a man
As I walked into her office.
I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

This is not like a poem at all, simply you describing a reply as if it were only a story.....it's not bad, but not a poem here...at least that's what I think. But keep it up, you seem to have something special and I'm glad to seeing it.

BrightShadow_96

Silent Snow

The snow falls so languidly,
oh so languidly
down to the ground
resting on my feet
cloaking my cold face-
as cold as the snow flakes.

Society shuffles past silently,
oh so silently
Walking around blindly in the snow

Waiting for there lives to activate
Ever-searching for the pending silence-
All of the silence still to come.

Nothing is everywhere,
but everywhere is nothing,
Nothing compared to the real world
This real world of silent snow

I am apart from this blindness,
In so many ways.
For I am the snow-
Watching the people,
Watching their flaws,
Watching their lives.

Okay, I see something nice, but also something a bit emotionless at some point.

Nothing is everywhere,
but everywhere is nothing,

I'd say you could rephrase it to be easier to understand as it's only saying an idea hard to imagine. It is paradoxal, but doesn't give an example in which it is...though the rest of the poem may compliment it, I think it should be able to stand on its own if it's to be nice. I see some effort though so I give you 9 out of 10 for that xD

HieisLove

Forever My Love

Ya opened up my heart
Held me in your arms for the longest
Them sweet kisses you gave me
I know I want to

Stay with you
Be with you
Forever and ever
Forever and ever

My heart feels like it’s
Going to burst
Going to burst
I know I love you

The burning love
I know for you
Did you know you’re on my mind?
You probably didn’t know

Are you my soul mate?
Because it feels like destiny
With I feel complete
Do you feel same?

Stay with you
Be with you
Forever and ever
Forever and ever

My heart feels like it’s
Going to burst
Going to burst
I know I love you

Words can’t explain it
We’re too far I can’t show it
You accepted my heart
I yours in return

Quite the declaration there, the repitiion of words seem to amplify what you want your message to show. There are a few places that words seem to be missing or shortened or wrongly spelled, it's okay, but I think it might confuse a few if you invent words or use expressions in slang writing. The rest is quite nice, but I'm not sure ir repeating the same paragraph again in the same poem is okay....just thinking it that's all.

*BlueFox1* · Sep 17, 2006, 01:36 AM

Algebra

numbers all the way
so many problems
that are over my head
i get confused in the second
and get bad points in it's test

my head burns like calling for help
cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
the existence of algebra
gives me a lot of questions
that get me no where in my mind

weeee... im like in the space
of infinity problems to solve
i cant keep the letters on my head
or ill explode and end in eternal
dudas.

I like the way this poem was written, showing the reader how you really feel about algerbra!

Sep 11, 2006, 07:56 PM	#1 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,616	Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments) You guys know the drill, start critique, comments, or a responsive poem to a member's work. A responsive poem is just a poem you wrote in response to the author's prose. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
Status: Offline

Sep 11, 2006, 09:17 PM	#2 (permalink)
Nympho Upcoming Legend Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: I get bored easily Posts: 511 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 701	Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments) Algebra numbers all the way so many problems that are over my head i get confused in the second and get bad points in it's test my head burns like calling for help cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve the existence of algebra gives me a lot of questions that get me no where in my mind weeee... im like in the space of infinity problems to solve i cant keep the letters on my head or ill explode and end in eternal dudas. I hate math. As a free verse it worked, subject did not peak my interest in the least. But there was nothing wrong with this though. __________________ I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.
Status: Offline

Sep 16, 2006, 10:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
Soldat of life RPG Lord and Master/Poet Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada) Posts: 869 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 10 Posts Credits: 6,075	Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments) Baal Algebra numbers all the way so many problems that are over my head i get confused in the second and get bad points in it's test my head burns like calling for help cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve the existence of algebra gives me a lot of questions that get me no where in my mind weeee... im like in the space of infinity problems to solve i cant keep the letters on my head or ill explode and end in eternal dudas. ...okay, I think you were just a tad preoccupied by your exam...and well, didn't take care to correctly spell the thingies and just threw your thoughts right there. I can't say it's your best work, but you did write what was on your mind and that's okay....though you should know that you can do better than that Nympho To Noah Love Mom You shadow my insides Linger within my darkness Make everyday yours and all I live for Your amber lining Set aflame Burning a piece of my heart away I have never met you But you already mean everything to me Taking every breath so much deeper To fill your lungs Your heart beat echoes And this is the not quite opposite of what Baal wrote, but well, I think you put big words and put them in good places I think I understand your feeling, but just being able to feel part of the writing is what I think counts the most. If someone can put themselves at the place of the writing, I think it's great. Any intelligent commenting....thinks, I think you just nailed it so...gah, nothing bad to say really :P Abu Dhabi ................................................. Free to go here. ... Free to go there. Free to go anywhere. Free to be here with you. Free to be there with them. Free to exist. Free to not. Everything thing around here is free. O.O, now that's what I call going truly free...or wild in another sense. I'd say how you placed your poem is more noteworthy than what you wrote in it. Though I don't have much to work with, you really have the notion of freedom in what you created. Though I'd recommend if you want to improve to find new words to show what you wanna express...though you don't have to, everyone has their way of expressing themselves. Raja_Psyche Monsieur Smith Looking outside my window pane, My heart is filled with antagonizing pain As I set my black eyes upon a family Who are walking together cheerfully. My head is being stabbed With helplessness so sharp That I will never find someone Who’ll make the bleeding stop. It’s been fourteen lonesome years, That no caring father and mother, That no loving brothers or sisters, Are at hand to cuddle me in cold winter. My mind is filled with endless longing, My soul is in eternal wandering, My heart is in infinite suffering, That I will spend all my life in the orphanage. The hurtful thoughts almost invades My mind that nearly fades. Then, I heard a knocking sound That makes my heart pound. Hearing a loud voice outside that door Telling me go to the Office of Mrs. Lippett My heart continues to ponder, The reason I really don’t get. I opened the wooden door, Not knowing what is in store, I see a fleeting impression of the man The impression consisted entirely of tallness He is waving his arm towards an automobile That is waiting in the curved drive As it sprang into motion and approached, Head on for an instant. The glaring headlights threw his shadow Sharply against the wall inside The shadow pictured grotesquely Elongated legs and arms. That run along the floor and Up the wall of the corridor It looked, for all the world, like a huge Wavering daddy-long-legs. That image takes my breath away, Knowing how tall that man may be. I walked hurriedly to Mrs. Lippett’s office Before my excitement will cease. Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett Asked me if a saw a man As I walked into her office. I told her I only saw his elongated shadow Then, ever so cold Mrs. Lippett Begins to reveal the news That a Monsieur loved my poem And is now sending me to college. Hearing the news made my heart Feel that this is a brand new start. It feels that my soul suddenly shed its skin Into happiness from the loneliness it has been. Mrs. Lippett now tells me directly The Mr. John Smith is the kind monsieur Who sends orphans into college For the reason she also understand. I run outside her office Excitement whirls in to my mind Hoping that I, myself will find And thank the kind Monsieur. A nice story that begins saddly as a poem and slowly into a ballad seeming as a narrated story. I find the development nice, but this mixes more than a poem so I'd call this not exactly a poem. But at the same time, this is a free verse so anything can go xD You have a nice way of saying things, though a few parts don't seem right for a poem at all, for example: Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett Asked me if a saw a man As I walked into her office. I told her I only saw his elongated shadow This is not like a poem at all, simply you describing a reply as if it were only a story.....it's not bad, but not a poem here...at least that's what I think. But keep it up, you seem to have something special and I'm glad to seeing it. BrightShadow_96 Silent Snow The snow falls so languidly, oh so languidly down to the ground resting on my feet cloaking my cold face- as cold as the snow flakes. Society shuffles past silently, oh so silently Walking around blindly in the snow Waiting for there lives to activate Ever-searching for the pending silence- All of the silence still to come. Nothing is everywhere, but everywhere is nothing, Nothing compared to the real world This real world of silent snow I am apart from this blindness, In so many ways. For I am the snow- Watching the people, Watching their flaws, Watching their lives. Okay, I see something nice, but also something a bit emotionless at some point. Nothing is everywhere, but everywhere is nothing, I'd say you could rephrase it to be easier to understand as it's only saying an idea hard to imagine. It is paradoxal, but doesn't give an example in which it is...though the rest of the poem may compliment it, I think it should be able to stand on its own if it's to be nice. I see some effort though so I give you 9 out of 10 for that xD HieisLove Forever My Love Ya opened up my heart Held me in your arms for the longest Them sweet kisses you gave me I know I want to Stay with you Be with you Forever and ever Forever and ever My heart feels like it’s Going to burst Going to burst I know I love you The burning love I know for you Did you know you’re on my mind? You probably didn’t know Are you my soul mate? Because it feels like destiny With I feel complete Do you feel same? Stay with you Be with you Forever and ever Forever and ever My heart feels like it’s Going to burst Going to burst I know I love you Words can’t explain it We’re too far I can’t show it You accepted my heart I yours in return Quite the declaration there, the repitiion of words seem to amplify what you want your message to show. There are a few places that words seem to be missing or shortened or wrongly spelled, it's okay, but I think it might confuse a few if you invent words or use expressions in slang writing. The rest is quite nice, but I'm not sure ir repeating the same paragraph again in the same poem is okay....just thinking it that's all. __________________ Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^ Poetry Corner
Status: Offline

Sep 17, 2006, 01:36 AM	#7 (permalink)
BlueFox1 Devoted Otaku Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility Posts: 584 Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Credits: 1,326	Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments) Algebra numbers all the way so many problems that are over my head i get confused in the second and get bad points in it's test my head burns like calling for help cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve the existence of algebra gives me a lot of questions that get me no where in my mind weeee... im like in the space of infinity problems to solve i cant keep the letters on my head or ill explode and end in eternal dudas. I like the way this poem was written, showing the reader how you really feel about algerbra! __________________
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