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Thread: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

  1. #1
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    You guys know the drill, start critique, comments, or a responsive poem to a member's work.

    A responsive poem is just a poem you wrote in response to the author's prose.
    Seduced by Flesh


  2. #2
    Devoted Otaku Nympho may be famous one day Nympho may be famous one day Nympho's Avatar
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    Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Algebra

    numbers all the way
    so many problems
    that are over my head
    i get confused in the second
    and get bad points in it's test

    my head burns like calling for help
    cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
    the existence of algebra
    gives me a lot of questions
    that get me no where in my mind

    weeee... im like in the space
    of infinity problems to solve
    i cant keep the letters on my head
    or ill explode and end in eternal
    dudas.


    I hate math. As a free verse it worked, subject did not peak my interest in the least. But there was nothing wrong with this though.

    I'm a glass child. I am Hannah's regrets. Monster.

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    Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Quote Originally Posted by Nympho
    To Noah Love Mom

    You shadow my insides
    Linger within my darkness
    Make everyday yours and all I live for
    Your amber lining
    Set aflame
    Burning a piece of my heart away
    I have never met you
    But you already mean everything to me
    Taking every breath so much deeper
    To fill your lungs
    Your heart beat echoes
    ^_^ i thought this poem was well written and very sweet! the emotion practically falls off the words! good job!

    Quote Originally Posted by Baal
    Algebra

    numbers all the way
    so many problems
    that are over my head
    i get confused in the second
    and get bad points in it's test

    my head burns like calling for help
    cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
    the existence of algebra
    gives me a lot of questions
    that get me no where in my mind

    weeee... im like in the space
    of infinity problems to solve
    i cant keep the letters on my head
    or ill explode and end in eternal
    dudas.
    i think the child-likeness of this poem had an effect on the subject. Meaning, it really felt like you hated algebra! certainly not something just anyone would think to write of this!

  4. #4
    丹色 月影 BrightShadow_96 may be famous one day BrightShadow_96 may be famous one day BrightShadow_96's Avatar
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    Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Quote Originally Posted by Baal View Post
    (Me dunno like much free verses there so empty.. o well here goes nothing.. an dont say i stoled this free verse from u )

    Algebra

    numbers all the way
    so many problems
    that are over my head
    i get confused in the second
    and get bad points in it's test

    my head burns like calling for help
    cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
    the existence of algebra
    gives me a lot of questions
    that get me no where in my mind

    weeee... im like in the space
    of infinity problems to solve
    i cant keep the letters on my head
    or ill explode and end in eternal
    dudas.
    Well, you obviously do not like algebra. lol This poem has no 'rythym', which is not a bad thing at all since this is free verse, which is why I don't really like free verse. There's no feeling to free verse... But anyway, there's nothing really wrong about this poem, so good job.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nympho View Post
    To Noah Love Mom

    You shadow my insides
    Linger within my darkness
    Make everyday yours and all I live for
    Your amber lining
    Set aflame
    Burning a piece of my heart away
    I have never met you
    But you already mean everything to me
    Taking every breath so much deeper
    To fill your lungs
    Your heart beat echoes
    I really like this one. even though it's free verse it seems to lack that emptiness that most free verse poems do- which is a good thing. very nice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Dhabi View Post
    This is free.





    .................................................. Free to go here.

    ... Free to go there.








    Free to go anywhere.
    Free to be here with you.

    Free to be there with them.

    Free to exist.
    Free to not.






    Everything thing around here is



















    free.
    It's good, though it is a bit short and not very detailed.

    Quote Originally Posted by raja_psyche View Post
    this poem is one of the ones i posted in AO. this poem is made by me entirely. this poem is inspired from daddy long legs. hmmm... some of the lines do rhyme... but there are parts that don't rhyme also. this poem is long... wahehehe! ^^



    Monsieur Smith

    Looking outside my window pane,
    My heart is filled with antagonizing pain
    As I set my black eyes upon a family
    Who are walking together cheerfully.

    My head is being stabbed
    With helplessness so sharp
    That I will never find someone
    Who’ll make the bleeding stop.

    It’s been fourteen lonesome years,
    That no caring father and mother,
    That no loving brothers or sisters,
    Are at hand to cuddle me in cold winter.

    My mind is filled with endless longing,
    My soul is in eternal wandering,
    My heart is in infinite suffering,
    That I will spend all my life in the orphanage.

    The hurtful thoughts almost invades
    My mind that nearly fades.
    Then, I heard a knocking sound
    That makes my heart pound.

    Hearing a loud voice outside that door
    Telling me go to the Office of Mrs. Lippett
    My heart continues to ponder,
    The reason I really don’t get.

    I opened the wooden door,
    Not knowing what is in store,
    I see a fleeting impression of the man
    The impression consisted entirely of tallness

    He is waving his arm towards an automobile
    That is waiting in the curved drive
    As it sprang into motion and approached,
    Head on for an instant.

    The glaring headlights threw his shadow
    Sharply against the wall inside
    The shadow pictured grotesquely
    Elongated legs and arms.

    That run along the floor and
    Up the wall of the corridor
    It looked, for all the world, like a huge
    Wavering daddy-long-legs.

    That image takes my breath away,
    Knowing how tall that man may be.
    I walked hurriedly to Mrs. Lippett’s office
    Before my excitement will cease.

    Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
    Asked me if a saw a man
    As I walked into her office.
    I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

    Then, ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
    Begins to reveal the news
    That a Monsieur loved my poem
    And is now sending me to college.

    Hearing the news made my heart
    Feel that this is a brand new start.
    It feels that my soul suddenly shed its skin
    Into happiness from the loneliness it has been.

    Mrs. Lippett now tells me directly
    The Mr. John Smith is the kind monsieur
    Who sends orphans into college
    For the reason she also understand.

    I run outside her office
    Excitement whirls in to my mind
    Hoping that I, myself will find
    And thank the kind Monsieur.
    hmm... It kinda sounds like more of a story than a poem. But, it's still good. It could use a little detail here and there though.

  5. #5
    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·. HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove's Avatar
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    Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Quote Originally Posted by Baal View Post
    (Me dunno like much free verses there so empty.. o well here goes nothing.. an dont say i stoled this free verse from u )

    Algebra

    numbers all the way
    so many problems
    that are over my head
    i get confused in the second
    and get bad points in it's test

    my head burns like calling for help
    cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
    the existence of algebra
    gives me a lot of questions
    that get me no where in my mind

    weeee... im like in the space
    of infinity problems to solve
    i cant keep the letters on my head
    or ill explode and end in eternal
    dudas.
    I like it. Makes me think how math can be hard sometime. There are some errors but its still cool.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nympho View Post
    To Noah Love Mom

    You shadow my insides
    Linger within my darkness
    Make everyday yours and all I live for
    Your amber lining
    Set aflame
    Burning a piece of my heart away
    I have never met you
    But you already mean everything to me
    Taking every breath so much deeper
    To fill your lungs
    Your heart beat echoes
    Sounds awesome. Full of emotion. It made me shiver abit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Abu Dhabi View Post
    This is free.





    .................................................. Free to go here.

    ... Free to go there.








    Free to go anywhere.
    Free to be here with you.

    Free to be there with them.

    Free to exist.
    Free to not.






    Everything thing around here is



















    free.
    Short but cool

    Quote Originally Posted by raja_psyche View Post
    this poem is one of the ones i posted in AO. this poem is made by me entirely. this poem is inspired from daddy long legs. hmmm... some of the lines do rhyme... but there are parts that don't rhyme also. this poem is long... wahehehe! ^^



    Monsieur Smith

    Looking outside my window pane,
    My heart is filled with antagonizing pain
    As I set my black eyes upon a family
    Who are walking together cheerfully.

    My head is being stabbed
    With helplessness so sharp
    That I will never find someone
    Who’ll make the bleeding stop.

    It’s been fourteen lonesome years,
    That no caring father and mother,
    That no loving brothers or sisters,
    Are at hand to cuddle me in cold winter.

    My mind is filled with endless longing,
    My soul is in eternal wandering,
    My heart is in infinite suffering,
    That I will spend all my life in the orphanage.

    The hurtful thoughts almost invades
    My mind that nearly fades.
    Then, I heard a knocking sound
    That makes my heart pound.

    Hearing a loud voice outside that door
    Telling me go to the Office of Mrs. Lippett
    My heart continues to ponder,
    The reason I really don’t get.

    I opened the wooden door,
    Not knowing what is in store,
    I see a fleeting impression of the man
    The impression consisted entirely of tallness

    He is waving his arm towards an automobile
    That is waiting in the curved drive
    As it sprang into motion and approached,
    Head on for an instant.

    The glaring headlights threw his shadow
    Sharply against the wall inside
    The shadow pictured grotesquely
    Elongated legs and arms.

    That run along the floor and
    Up the wall of the corridor
    It looked, for all the world, like a huge
    Wavering daddy-long-legs.

    That image takes my breath away,
    Knowing how tall that man may be.
    I walked hurriedly to Mrs. Lippett’s office
    Before my excitement will cease.

    Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
    Asked me if a saw a man
    As I walked into her office.
    I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

    Then, ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
    Begins to reveal the news
    That a Monsieur loved my poem
    And is now sending me to college.

    Hearing the news made my heart
    Feel that this is a brand new start.
    It feels that my soul suddenly shed its skin
    Into happiness from the loneliness it has been.

    Mrs. Lippett now tells me directly
    The Mr. John Smith is the kind monsieur
    Who sends orphans into college
    For the reason she also understand.

    I run outside her office
    Excitement whirls in to my mind
    Hoping that I, myself will find
    And thank the kind Monsieur.

    Love it. Its awesome. I enjoy reading your poems.

    Quote Originally Posted by BrightShadow_96 View Post
    Silent Snow

    The snow falls so languidly,
    oh so languidly
    down to the ground
    resting on my feet
    cloaking my cold face-
    as cold as the snow flakes.

    Society shuffles past silently,
    oh so silently
    Walking around blindly in the snow

    Waiting for there lives to activate
    Ever-searching for the pending silence-
    All of the silence still to come.

    Nothing is everywhere,
    but everywhere is nothing,
    Nothing compared to the real world
    This real world of silent snow

    I am apart from this blindness,
    In so many ways.
    For I am the snow-
    Watching the people,
    Watching their flaws,
    Watching their lives.
    I love this one too. Its so beautiful
    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·._.·'¯) ♥

  6. #6
    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
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    Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Baal

    Algebra

    numbers all the way
    so many problems
    that are over my head
    i get confused in the second
    and get bad points in it's test

    my head burns like calling for help
    cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
    the existence of algebra
    gives me a lot of questions
    that get me no where in my mind

    weeee... im like in the space
    of infinity problems to solve
    i cant keep the letters on my head
    or ill explode and end in eternal
    dudas.



    ...okay, I think you were just a tad preoccupied by your exam...and well, didn't take care to correctly spell the thingies and just threw your thoughts right there. I can't say it's your best work, but you did write what was on your mind and that's okay....though you should know that you can do better than that




    Nympho


    To Noah Love Mom

    You shadow my insides
    Linger within my darkness
    Make everyday yours and all I live for
    Your amber lining
    Set aflame
    Burning a piece of my heart away
    I have never met you
    But you already mean everything to me
    Taking every breath so much deeper
    To fill your lungs
    Your heart beat echoes



    And this is the not quite opposite of what Baal wrote, but well, I think you put big words and put them in good places I think I understand your feeling, but just being able to feel part of the writing is what I think counts the most. If someone can put themselves at the place of the writing, I think it's great. Any intelligent commenting....*thinks*, I think you just nailed it so...gah, nothing bad to say really :P



    Abu Dhabi


    ................................................. Free to go here.

    ... Free to go there.








    Free to go anywhere.
    Free to be here with you.

    Free to be there with them.

    Free to exist.
    Free to not.






    Everything thing around here is



















    free.



    O.O, now that's what I call going truly free...or wild in another sense. I'd say how you placed your poem is more noteworthy than what you wrote in it. Though I don't have much to work with, you really have the notion of freedom in what you created. Though I'd recommend if you want to improve to find new words to show what you wanna express...though you don't have to, everyone has their way of expressing themselves.



    Raja_Psyche



    Monsieur Smith

    Looking outside my window pane,
    My heart is filled with antagonizing pain
    As I set my black eyes upon a family
    Who are walking together cheerfully.

    My head is being stabbed
    With helplessness so sharp
    That I will never find someone
    Who’ll make the bleeding stop.

    It’s been fourteen lonesome years,
    That no caring father and mother,
    That no loving brothers or sisters,
    Are at hand to cuddle me in cold winter.

    My mind is filled with endless longing,
    My soul is in eternal wandering,
    My heart is in infinite suffering,
    That I will spend all my life in the orphanage.

    The hurtful thoughts almost invades
    My mind that nearly fades.
    Then, I heard a knocking sound
    That makes my heart pound.

    Hearing a loud voice outside that door
    Telling me go to the Office of Mrs. Lippett
    My heart continues to ponder,
    The reason I really don’t get.

    I opened the wooden door,
    Not knowing what is in store,
    I see a fleeting impression of the man
    The impression consisted entirely of tallness

    He is waving his arm towards an automobile
    That is waiting in the curved drive
    As it sprang into motion and approached,
    Head on for an instant.

    The glaring headlights threw his shadow
    Sharply against the wall inside
    The shadow pictured grotesquely
    Elongated legs and arms.

    That run along the floor and
    Up the wall of the corridor
    It looked, for all the world, like a huge
    Wavering daddy-long-legs.

    That image takes my breath away,
    Knowing how tall that man may be.
    I walked hurriedly to Mrs. Lippett’s office
    Before my excitement will cease.

    Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
    Asked me if a saw a man
    As I walked into her office.
    I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

    Then, ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
    Begins to reveal the news
    That a Monsieur loved my poem
    And is now sending me to college.

    Hearing the news made my heart
    Feel that this is a brand new start.
    It feels that my soul suddenly shed its skin
    Into happiness from the loneliness it has been.

    Mrs. Lippett now tells me directly
    The Mr. John Smith is the kind monsieur
    Who sends orphans into college
    For the reason she also understand.

    I run outside her office
    Excitement whirls in to my mind
    Hoping that I, myself will find
    And thank the kind Monsieur.



    A nice story that begins saddly as a poem and slowly into a ballad seeming as a narrated story. I find the development nice, but this mixes more than a poem so I'd call this not exactly a poem. But at the same time, this is a free verse so anything can go xD You have a nice way of saying things, though a few parts don't seem right for a poem at all, for example:

    Then the ever so cold Mrs. Lippett
    Asked me if a saw a man
    As I walked into her office.
    I told her I only saw his elongated shadow

    This is not like a poem at all, simply you describing a reply as if it were only a story.....it's not bad, but not a poem here...at least that's what I think. But keep it up, you seem to have something special and I'm glad to seeing it.




    BrightShadow_96



    Silent Snow

    The snow falls so languidly,
    oh so languidly
    down to the ground
    resting on my feet
    cloaking my cold face-
    as cold as the snow flakes.

    Society shuffles past silently,
    oh so silently
    Walking around blindly in the snow

    Waiting for there lives to activate
    Ever-searching for the pending silence-
    All of the silence still to come.

    Nothing is everywhere,
    but everywhere is nothing,
    Nothing compared to the real world
    This real world of silent snow

    I am apart from this blindness,
    In so many ways.
    For I am the snow-
    Watching the people,
    Watching their flaws,
    Watching their lives.



    Okay, I see something nice, but also something a bit emotionless at some point.

    Nothing is everywhere,
    but everywhere is nothing,


    I'd say you could rephrase it to be easier to understand as it's only saying an idea hard to imagine. It is paradoxal, but doesn't give an example in which it is...though the rest of the poem may compliment it, I think it should be able to stand on its own if it's to be nice. I see some effort though so I give you 9 out of 10 for that xD




    HieisLove



    Forever My Love

    Ya opened up my heart
    Held me in your arms for the longest
    Them sweet kisses you gave me
    I know I want to

    Stay with you
    Be with you
    Forever and ever
    Forever and ever

    My heart feels like it’s
    Going to burst
    Going to burst
    I know I love you

    The burning love
    I know for you
    Did you know you’re on my mind?
    You probably didn’t know

    Are you my soul mate?
    Because it feels like destiny
    With I feel complete
    Do you feel same?

    Stay with you
    Be with you
    Forever and ever
    Forever and ever

    My heart feels like it’s
    Going to burst
    Going to burst
    I know I love you

    Words can’t explain it
    We’re too far I can’t show it
    You accepted my heart
    I yours in return



    Quite the declaration there, the repitiion of words seem to amplify what you want your message to show. There are a few places that words seem to be missing or shortened or wrongly spelled, it's okay, but I think it might confuse a few if you invent words or use expressions in slang writing. The rest is quite nice, but I'm not sure ir repeating the same paragraph again in the same poem is okay....just thinking it that's all.
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

  7. #7
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Workout.1 - Free Verse. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Algebra

    numbers all the way
    so many problems
    that are over my head
    i get confused in the second
    and get bad points in it's test

    my head burns like calling for help
    cuz the exercises are so hard to resolve
    the existence of algebra
    gives me a lot of questions
    that get me no where in my mind

    weeee... im like in the space
    of infinity problems to solve
    i cant keep the letters on my head
    or ill explode and end in eternal
    dudas.

    I like the way this poem was written, showing the reader how you really feel about algerbra!

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