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Thread: Workout.1 - Poem Revision

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    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Workout.1 - Poem Revision

    Since the essay workout isnt kicking off, here's a new one!

    Write a poem and then sit back for thirty minutes or go do something. Lol. Come back to it and take another look. If you see any mistakes or new ideas pop up, change it. This is what many writers do when they have completed a new work: revise.

    Revising a completed piece is a good way to get a better and more interesting piece of work than what you started out with. The only problem is, not everyone can think of new ideas or see mistakes the first time they try this. If this happens? I'd suggest waiting another, or an hour, or even a day to revise.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    So, post your original poem and your revision!
    Seduced by Flesh


  2. #2
    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
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    Re: Workout.1 - Poem Revision

    Well then, tis been long enough mourning, time for another inspiration while listening to my very first self bought music album I acquired yesterday: “Open Door” from Evanescence. When I say to end mourning, it is to pour out what is within or felt at a present time. It is only pure inspiration and not based on events in real life. There are feelings and things that affect how it comes to exist and right now, Evanescence kind of helped to get a darkness I felt like representing. Without further ado, here is my text….


    Partially unmodified text since I somewhat forgot to let it as it was first...but still different from the end product.

    Sweet Sacrifice

    Drying upon the desolated shore of your life,
    I wander as a soulless body upon my resurrection.
    Death lurks in every crevice of my undying corpse,
    Degenerating as the sun sets at the horizon of what I once was.
    To yield an emotion would be too much to demand,
    From an empty shell of a man who lost everything.

    The moon takes it reigning position and the marshes along the desert island rise,
    Moaning of innocent souls cry out to my steady step.
    They fear what I now desire more than life itself,
    What is relentless remains the hunger of the essence of all things.
    Despair flows in the air and washes as the waves come and go,
    Life has no standing on this land forever forsaken of God.



    Call me when you’re sober

    I wake from a dream that I cannot remember,
    Moments from another time long past and gone.
    I wonder why a thread of darkness leaves from a window.
    Eerie eyes looking at my hands, there are no other places that seem clear to me.
    Leading a hazy step forward followed by another,
    The mirror welcomes my reflection upon its glassy steel.
    A stranger stares deeply inside of me,
    Gaseous forms leap from its composition and bring back who I am.
    I remember now what I have done and the void only remains,
    Drying inside what was never human…



    END Product

    Sweet Sacrifice

    Drying upon the desolated shore of my life,
    I wander as a soulless body upon my awakening.
    Death lurks in every crevice of my undying corpse,
    Degenerating as the sun sets at the horizon of what I once was.
    To yield an emotion would be too much to demand,
    From an empty shell of a man who lost everything.

    The moon takes its reigning position and the marshes along the desert island rise,
    Moaning of innocent souls cry out to my steady step.
    They fear what I now desire more than life itself,
    Relentlessness remains in the hunger of the essence of all things.
    Despair flows in the air and washes as the waves come and go,
    Life has no standing on this land forever forsaken by God.


    Call me when you’re sober

    I wake from a dream that I cannot remember,
    Moments from another time long past and gone.
    I wonder why a thread of darkness leaves from a window.
    Eerie eyes looking at my hands, there are no other places that seem clear to me.
    Leading a hazy step forward followed by another,
    The mirror welcomes my reflection upon its glassy steel.
    A stranger stares deeply inside of me,
    Gaseous forms leap from its composition and bring back who I am.
    I remember now what I have done and the void only remains,
    Drying inside what was never human…


    …But a mere ashen void devouring what once could be called love.

    Note: There is a direct link between the two red titles other than just being titles of the first two tracks of "The Open Door"
    Last edited by Soldat of life; Dec 19, 2006 at 07:26 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

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