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Thread: Workout 3. (CRITIQUE.comments)

  1. #1
    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·. HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove may be famous one day HieisLove's Avatar
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    Workout 3. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Everyone give your critiques!

    A Doll’s Confession

    Sitting in an old wooden chair,
    My violet eyes are at constant stare
    In the direction of my doll maker,
    The doll maker, who is my creator.

    His words are like harmony in my heart,
    His every single deed brings joy.
    The way he looks makes my heart feel
    Emotions I never knew would be real.

    I feel so worthless and weak,
    In the times I do see him cry
    Knowing that I can’t wipe his tears
    And to calm his innermost fears.

    The thing that they call life,
    Is what I will forever long for,
    To make it possible for me to confess
    My love and adoration to my dearest!


    Is it a sin for a doll like me,
    To love the being who created me?
    Is it wrong for me to feel,
    The passion destined for human beings?
    I like this one. Its good and shows emotion. A doll who feel for they're maker. How romantic

    Love can be clever


    It might take forever
    will reaching the stars
    holding strong together
    while resisting to the last

    theres a small feeling in ypu
    deep inside the light
    who knew love was clever
    it change m entire life

    I can see within you
    what's inside that heart
    it gives me a feeling
    to make a new start

    love can hold us stronger
    more than you think
    we can dream forever
    will reaching the new life
    I enjoyed this one too. There are some errors, other then that, its a good poem. Keep up the good work
    ♥ (¯'·._.·[GEISHA ゲイシャ]·._.·'¯) ♥

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Workout 3. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    A Doll’s Confession

    Sitting in an old wooden chair,
    My violet eyes are at constant stare
    In the direction of my doll maker,
    The doll maker, who is my creator.

    His words are like harmony in my heart,
    His every single deed brings joy.
    The way he looks makes my heart feel
    Emotions I never knew would be real.

    I feel so worthless and weak,
    In the times I do see him cry
    Knowing that I can’t wipe his tears
    And to calm his innermost fears.

    The thing that they call life,
    Is what I will forever long for,
    To make it possible for me to confess
    My love and adoration to my dearest!


    Is it a sin for a doll like me,
    To love the being who created me?
    Is it wrong for me to feel,
    The passion destined for human beings?
    Wow! This was absolutely beautiful! A love poem not entirely focused on the loss of love. I completely drool over the idea of the poem. And ot only was it a thuoght outside of the box? But you executed it fairly well. I'd have to say the wording gets a little iffy around the last two verses of the 1st stanza.

    Love can be clever


    It might take forever
    will reaching the stars
    holding strong together
    while resisting to the last

    theres a small feeling in ypu
    deep inside the light
    who knew love was clever
    it change m entire life

    I can see within you
    what's inside that heart
    it gives me a feeling
    to make a new start

    love can hold us stronger
    more than you think
    we can dream forever
    will reaching the new life
    __________________
    This poem brought a smile to my lips. The few spelling errors did irk me.

    My only; His only angel

    His glowing angel I am
    His dying love he has for me
    An answered prayer I am of his
    His forever I am
    For years I cried my tears,
    For years he held me
    For so long I been sad
    For so long I wanted love
    He, who will be my only;
    My other;
    My hope;
    My everything
    The warmth he gives me
    I smile of happiness
    I know it was meant to be
    I know this was destiny
    I wish upon a star that this is true
    I rather die than to be alone;
    To be with out my love
    And I know he too rather die
    Than to be without
    His only angel
    Hmm. At first I did not like the wording or the repetition. However, once I reread it the devices all formed to make a nice poem.
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    S.E.L - sexy etna lover Baal may be famous one day Baal may be famous one day Baal's Avatar
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    Re: Workout 3. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    Quote:
    A Doll’s Confession

    Sitting in an old wooden chair,
    My violet eyes are at constant stare
    In the direction of my doll maker,
    The doll maker, who is my creator.

    His words are like harmony in my heart,
    His every single deed brings joy.
    The way he looks makes my heart feel
    Emotions I never knew would be real.

    I feel so worthless and weak,
    In the times I do see him cry
    Knowing that I can’t wipe his tears
    And to calm his innermost fears.

    The thing that they call life,
    Is what I will forever long for,
    To make it possible for me to confess
    My love and adoration to my dearest!


    Is it a sin for a doll like me,
    To love the being who created me?
    Is it wrong for me to feel,
    The passion destined for human beings?

    This one is really touching and chills me out.

    Love can be clever


    It might take forever
    will reaching the stars
    holding strong together
    while resisting to the last

    theres a small feeling in ypu
    deep inside the light
    who knew love was clever
    it change m entire life

    I can see within you
    what's inside that heart
    it gives me a feeling
    to make a new start

    love can hold us stronger
    more than you think
    we can dream forever
    will reaching the new life

    i know i make errors but i make a feeling i just love this 1.


    His glowing angel I am
    His dying love he has for me
    An answered prayer I am of his
    His forever I am
    For years I cried my tears,
    For years he held me
    For so long I been sad
    For so long I wanted love
    He, who will be my only;
    My other;
    My hope;
    My everything
    The warmth he gives me
    I smile of happiness
    I know it was meant to be
    I know this was destiny
    I wish upon a star that this is true
    I rather die than to be alone;
    To be with out my love
    And I know he too rather die
    Than to be without
    His only angel

    I like this one because of the rithim even if its repeated
    its really dreamy to!



    perdoname michelle!

  4. #4
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    Re: Workout 3. (CRITIQUE.comments)

    A Doll’s Confession

    Sitting in an old wooden chair,
    My violet eyes are at constant stare
    In the direction of my doll maker,
    The doll maker, who is my creator.

    His words are like harmony in my heart,
    His every single deed brings joy.
    The way he looks makes my heart feel
    Emotions I never knew would be real.

    I feel so worthless and weak,
    In the times I do see him cry
    Knowing that I can’t wipe his tears
    And to calm his innermost fears.

    The thing that they call life,
    Is what I will forever long for,
    To make it possible for me to confess
    My love and adoration to my dearest!


    Is it a sin for a doll like me,
    To love the being who created me?
    Is it wrong for me to feel,
    The passion destined for human beings?
    I like this one it shows much emotion, and devotion to the topic in the matter

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