Literature corner

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  1. AGAki
    AGAki
    poem of the day da da ta ta

    truth

    f you hate me than throw me away
    if you love me than cherish me
    with all your heart
    thats all i ask
    from the bottom of my heart
    to treat how you want to treat me
    no secreats
    no lies
    i want the truth
    thats all......

    tell me wat you like and dislike
  2. EmoNightmareRose
    thanx Lasura for checking out my witch story, if any of you guys want to too, please do.
  3. Lasura
    Lasura
    Ur welcomed EmoNightmareRose ^^ And yah, his story is worth reading ppl and it's not long whatsoever ^^

    @ AGAki: This time I have a little bit more criticism ^^ Again I like the poem very, very much and I love that you show a great thought in it, but some parts seemed a bit odd.

    Firstly I would put the "with all your heart" in the line before it, but it's just me, I know many people like to make a sentence over many lines, but I find it disturbing to read >.<

    And also I found it a bit odd that you say "to treat how you want to treat me" it's kinda odd, treating like I want to treat a guy wouldn't mean I treat him how he desrves to be treated or show him my true feelings. I would write something like: "To treat me how I earn to be treated" or something like that, just don't leave the want

    There were also some little spelling errors ^^ ("then" not "than" (than is used when you say "better than" and so on, then is to say "at that moment"), "secrets" not "secreats") and for a real nice poem you could want to write every letter at the beginning of a line with a capital letter and to put the ' thingys in that's ^^
  4. Corvus
    Corvus
    AGAki: Lasu basically nailed my critique of your poem too.
    I know I seem lazy and I kinda am. I've been up all night fundraising for cancer. My school raised 13 thousand dollars for the cause. Now, I'm going to take a nap...

    Yellow: added
    Red: something's been replaced
    Blue: structure changed.
  5. EmoNightmareRose
    im just throwing this out there, but thank you lasura, for spending time on giving us your opinion, and i appreciate it. most people wouldnt care. if you want, can u look at my poems 'Echo & Narcissus' or 'all i want'?
  6. AGAki
    AGAki
    Lasura:thanks for the help honestly i really like the way everyone is helping me with this XD
  7. AGAki
    AGAki
    ok this poem just poped in my head and im curious if im a genious at writting here it goes

    beep beep
    my cell repeats
    and i look and im full of discreat
    for i dont know how to respond
    for this that is come appon
    to my attention
    it says
    i hate you
    i wish i can be with you
    but you chose another
    so im going to kill
    my real,delema
    that is your girl tasha
    and there nothin you can do about it
    .....so i sit
    and look at this sich
    and i do
    what christians do
    when its out of your hands
    and where you know that only god has the demand
    to stop this
    beep beep
    i fall of my seat
    for another message appears
    and my eyes are full of tears
    of joy
    for there was police
    and there force was so discreat
    that they stoped
    and i sat there amazed
    by the power
    that my father
    uses to help me
    and i say repeatedly



    thank you thank you
  8. AGAki
    AGAki
    please fill free to tell me the problems XD
  9. Lasura
    Lasura
    Well the story is really nice AGAki ^^ I really didn't like the fact that you've made such short lines and put sentences over multiple lines... really made it very hard to read O.o Also some vocabulary use seemed odd to me like "sich" (don't even know what that is) and "god has the demand" (it should be "power" not "demand"). Yah well otherways I guess it was ok ^^

    And thank you for thanking me ^^ lol I will read your poems then EmoNightmareRose when I can ^^ You just need to ask people, because otherways I'm too lazy and scared to look in the poem section (appart from the POTM part)
  10. Corvus
    Corvus
    I understand the fear of the poem's section =PI've had a few tirades in there myself and almost got myself banned once or twice...

    Agaki, great idea but it needs some serious work.
    I'm sorry to be so blunt and so cruel but I'd like to know if english is your mother language. Then I can work from there. Once again, sorry to be such an @$$ but, think of it as my way of saying that I care enough to try without fluffing everything up.
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