I'll help you anytime!!! I'd say I'm so much better on stories than I am on poems and other things!! XD Look at all of the stoires I have written here on AO!!!!
lolz I wrote this a loooooonngggg time ago!!! like 2 years when I was a noob!!! (O.O)
Ima brainstorm and work out another poem before I log off for bed. . I wanna try to be a more active writer. Stories and poems. I also wanna start drawing more. I love to do all those, but I am so self-concious about em it sucks. I need to ignore some of the responses I got got to my story Kalderim and finish that too sometime.
BTW I am alway open for advice. puhwease gimme advice from time to time XD.
Don't get me wrong. I love the poem. I think it is great. Just needed to work on the effect a bit more lolz. I think if ya take more time and tweek your poems, you'd be great.
But My poem is about what I am going thru right now. Which SUCKS!
Nyahhhh!!! I just actually made this whole thing up. People really believe that I was going through some sort of relationship too!! XD But heck I was just trying to get something out of me!!! But you're right!! As well as everyone else!!!
That is alittle overboard. Starting EVERY sentance with "The moment i touch you" is alittle to much. I admit I used to many to's, but I used it for a more broad effect. Yo kinda over did it. Plus I think you should experimented with better words. Words that sounded more fluid. I messed up myself with the wording, but I tried and so did you .
But a tip--If ya gonna use the repeat effect. Enter the rest of it in the next line and place a comma after. Looks better and shows the effect better .
But I like yours A LOT. I think it might be better than mine if ya made it more longer and emotional
Lolz XD Yeah I can understand.....I'm just saying that I'm not good at writing poems. Here is my first I put on AO:
The moment i touch you i feel safe.
The moment i touch you i don't fear anything.
The moment i touch you i'm not afraid of death.
The moment i touch you i say i love you.
The moment i touch you you say i want to be with you.
The moment i touch you you kiss me.
The moment you kiss me i kiss back.
The moment you kiss me is forever.
The moment you kiss me is eterity.
The moment you kiss me is everlasting.
The moment with you is a moment i always want.
I thought this was dramtic but here is what some1 pt (they had good things too, but this is what got me:
""A suggestion though.. on your next poem...dont repeat the same words too much... though this poem bolds how much the persona loves the moment...with the other person...it was nice.. and try to play with word some more.. do some experiments..you will find doing so is fun ^^""
The reason there is a lot of "To" is for effect lolz. It is a poem I wrote in school for a grade and the damn teach read it in front of everyone cause it was the best poem out of all 7 of her classes. I was PISSED! but i decided get over the fear and post it on AO also.
Nyahhh??? I'll go check now!!!! XD And don't worry. I'm sure it'll be better than anything I can come up with....I can write stories but I can't write poems worth a crap.....
Did ya read the crappy poem I typed yet?????????????????