"I am what I am, Do not blame me" - Muppet's Christmas Carol

Bebo: http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=4591479

Webpage: http://www.sarahfarrow.artshost.com

Click Links ^_____________________^ Please *looks cute and irresistible*



+



+

May 18, 2008

Recently, things have been a little hectic with so much going on recently. Maybe I am trying to juggle too much in one go but I really don't know how else to do it. I've had work pick up again and I've been called in for shifts most of the week, but there is only so much running around being a servant for people who are more experienced. I am a dancer/Choreographer not a waitress. My whole life has been about dancing and to really perform ballet and contemporary. Yet I haven't done that in almost a year and I don't know where else to go to make sure I don't loose my youthful enthusiasm of dancing. I would really love to do hold certain classes to get people to come. Its just getting the time and travel arrangements sorted.

So while I miss dancing so much and not having any classes for people like me, but I am trying to find time to study to be a web designer while dealing with a job I don't like doing till I can hand in my notice and get a 9-5 job as a web designer. Its just there isn't much time in the day to do studying, working and putting the skills to some practice.

I know I told my partner that when I move in with him, I will be saying good bye to my dancing career, which I will probably regret but dancing doesn't hold a stable income to put enough food on the table day after day. Especially, as a choreographer, its even harder to try to find space to choreograph and then find venues that will let you perform there.

I am torn between two sides, one side is where I get a stable career that will help bring food and a place to live or sit around wondering what to do but not really moving any where because your too scared of drowning. I am still confused and I keep getting confused too easily. Even my partner keeps bringing up things that really hit home and I just end up going quiet because I don't know how to act or reply. Its either sit there and acknowledge that my partner thinks I should get stronger but experiencing the toughness of life. Which I don't think I can do, I am someone that has a lot of habits with worrying being one of them and I don't know what really to do because I don't want to offend him but how can I just drop being in an almost stable part of life when I move out of my parents and start earning my own money.

To dropping everything just so I can experience what life is like the way he has experienced life. I do love him but asking to just drop everything so I can learn to have a carefree life where money isn't important as long as you have a loved on, is something I can't comprehend in my mind. All I see is myself going crazy with worrying and ending up in a mental institution. I have always worried about many things in life. Its just something that do and if I don't worry then things just won't work out. If I can't worry and bring things to my attention then how I am going to be on top of things and know what is going and what isn't going on because I have a carefree attitude where I don't know if I am coming or going.

Feb 10, 2008

well seeing as I haven't posted in here for a while, I've been keeping my own little journal in a new book so its easier to reach when I need it and not worry about being online. Which is handy I admit. Now its like this little girl "oh I love such and such and I really hate her/him" its just a collection of thoughts really.

Having to make big decisions is really hard. I mean I knew I wanted to go to University and do something more with my life. But now I've graduated things are more harder than what they were. I mean I know what I want but doing it is something that is really hard. Trying to sort out dance classes is a good thing but I can't seem to get them sorted. Trying to figure out if I should move out of my parents is hard because I don't get enough coming in from work. And that is just my own little problems.

Then there is the factor of where to settle down with Eddie. I mean I have no idea, either I am frightened I am going to make the wrong decision and its going to result in Eddie walking away because he doesn't comfortable. How can one really decide what to do when one can never tell the reactions of the situation. NO matter how much I try to talk about the situation I end up being more confused than when I started as new problems arise and I don't know who to react to things. I just want everything to sort itself out because I can't work it out. So because I can't work it out, I end up beating myself up about it and then I get annoyed that I am beating myself up and not working things out. Then its back to not being able to sort things out.

Even my mother isn't being very helpful as she knows that I may not feel comfortable moving to America but I will go if Eddie really wants me to as all I care about is him. But being torn like is is annoying. I almost felt like cutting a few nights ago. Things just aren't going to plan. I just suck at everything right now.

I mean I won't be able to move out because I am low on money. I won't be to sort out who should move and who shouldn't. I can't even think about eating at the moment unless I feel ill. I just concentrate on things. At work I fell like the odd one out because I am the only goth/emo. I don't seem to be fitting in every where. My best friend isn't talking to me much. I'm starting to loose contact with uni friends. I just feel I should be locked up as it will be easier for everyone. Shut off from the world so I don't hurt anyone.

I just don't know how long I am going to last because my mind feels like its full and no more information can be added into. I just feel like I am getting to old.

sorry but I just don't feel well at the moment. So much for being the happy cheerful sazzy right.

0 Comments

View More Blog Entries