Recently, things have been a little hectic with so much going on recently. Maybe I am trying to juggle too much in one go but I really don't know how else to do it. I've had work pick up again and I've been called in for shifts most of the week, but there is only so much running around being a servant for people who are more experienced. I am a dancer/Choreographer not a waitress. My whole life has been about dancing and to really perform ballet and contemporary. Yet I haven't done that in almost a year and I don't know where else to go to make sure I don't loose my youthful enthusiasm of dancing. I would really love to do hold certain classes to get people to come. Its just getting the time and travel arrangements sorted.
So while I miss dancing so much and not having any classes for people like me, but I am trying to find time to study to be a web designer while dealing with a job I don't like doing till I can hand in my notice and get a 9-5 job as a web designer. Its just there isn't much time in the day to do studying, working and putting the skills to some practice.
I know I told my partner that when I move in with him, I will be saying good bye to my dancing career, which I will probably regret but dancing doesn't hold a stable income to put enough food on the table day after day. Especially, as a choreographer, its even harder to try to find space to choreograph and then find venues that will let you perform there.
I am torn between two sides, one side is where I get a stable career that will help bring food and a place to live or sit around wondering what to do but not really moving any where because your too scared of drowning. I am still confused and I keep getting confused too easily. Even my partner keeps bringing up things that really hit home and I just end up going quiet because I don't know how to act or reply. Its either sit there and acknowledge that my partner thinks I should get stronger but experiencing the toughness of life. Which I don't think I can do, I am someone that has a lot of habits with worrying being one of them and I don't know what really to do because I don't want to offend him but how can I just drop being in an almost stable part of life when I move out of my parents and start earning my own money.
To dropping everything just so I can experience what life is like the way he has experienced life. I do love him but asking to just drop everything so I can learn to have a carefree life where money isn't important as long as you have a loved on, is something I can't comprehend in my mind. All I see is myself going crazy with worrying and ending up in a mental institution. I have always worried about many things in life. Its just something that do and if I don't worry then things just won't work out. If I can't worry and bring things to my attention then how I am going to be on top of things and know what is going and what isn't going on because I have a carefree attitude where I don't know if I am coming or going.
well seeing as I haven't posted in here for a while, I've been keeping my own little journal in a new book so its easier to reach when I need it and not worry about being online. Which is handy I admit. Now its like this little girl "oh I love such and such and I really hate her/him" its just a collection of thoughts really.
Having to make big decisions is really hard. I mean I knew I wanted to go to University and do something more with my life. But now I've graduated things are more harder than what they were. I mean I know what I want but doing it is something that is really hard. Trying to sort out dance classes is a good thing but I can't seem to get them sorted. Trying to figure out if I should move out of my parents is hard because I don't get enough coming in from work. And that is just my own little problems.
Then there is the factor of where to settle down with Eddie. I mean I have no idea, either I am frightened I am going to make the wrong decision and its going to result in Eddie walking away because he doesn't comfortable. How can one really decide what to do when one can never tell the reactions of the situation. NO matter how much I try to talk about the situation I end up being more confused than when I started as new problems arise and I don't know who to react to things. I just want everything to sort itself out because I can't work it out. So because I can't work it out, I end up beating myself up about it and then I get annoyed that I am beating myself up and not working things out. Then its back to not being able to sort things out.
Even my mother isn't being very helpful as she knows that I may not feel comfortable moving to America but I will go if Eddie really wants me to as all I care about is him. But being torn like is is annoying. I almost felt like cutting a few nights ago. Things just aren't going to plan. I just suck at everything right now.
I mean I won't be able to move out because I am low on money. I won't be to sort out who should move and who shouldn't. I can't even think about eating at the moment unless I feel ill. I just concentrate on things. At work I fell like the odd one out because I am the only goth/emo. I don't seem to be fitting in every where. My best friend isn't talking to me much. I'm starting to loose contact with uni friends. I just feel I should be locked up as it will be easier for everyone. Shut off from the world so I don't hurt anyone.
I just don't know how long I am going to last because my mind feels like its full and no more information can be added into. I just feel like I am getting to old.
sorry but I just don't feel well at the moment. So much for being the happy cheerful sazzy right.
It's been a while since I have written in this blog so here is a new entry to keep people up-to-date with what is going on. But I suppose there is only a fair bit to tell you.
Things between are going really well as what was said in the interview. Its just the problem of where we are going to live and settle in together. But that is something we will be discussing in detail later on as its something we have to do sooner or letter. Otherwise, we are still strong as when we first started dating. Yes its been over a year and we've only been in each others company for three months but that hasn't changed anything except making feelings strong and realize that we want to live with each other so we are never apart. So we can live together and start a new life together
As far as other things go, they are not too bad. Life at my parents has died down a bit now that I have an income. But I am hoping to start up dance classes soon on Saturdays to help get extra money in and start preparing for the future. After all, everything I am doing at the moment, its all in preparation for my life with Eddie.
Today must have been the worst day I have had so far. It didn’t start off very well as my parents got me up early to drag me to church and then something different feel right as when we were all getting ready I always felt like I was being forgotten. I know that my family have gotten used to me not being home but even when I try to settle back in, there is something that doesn’t feel right and no matter how hard I try to do things like before the more outcast I feel.
I am really not settling in at all here. The longer I think this goes on for the more emotional I am going to go. Life at the moment is so hard and I am really am trying to make things ok by remembering the good times I had with Ed but even still I feel like the bad defiantly out weigh the good and its turning my life apart. I have even tried to take my mind of things and focus on getting website back up to help stop the boredom and then worrying about my life at the moment. Even that only lasts a few moments. Today I even felt like just walking out the house and going to the beach where no one will think of looking for me there.
Today is defiantly a day for feeling forgotten. Like this morning I was told by my father that we don’t talk much, right then my heart sank and I felt almost rejection. The only time they ever bother to talk to me is when they think something is up. Otherwise I just get told a load of gossip that I don’t want to hear. It also doesn’t help when my mother doesn’t remember saying I should get a new boyfriend because he lives too far away and when she has said it twice to me. Talk about remember what you talk to your daughter with huh.
But every time I feel down my family don’t know what to do. I feel so misunderstood and that’s why I find it hard to talk to them. They might be my family but they never understand me. Even since I was child I felt like I was adopted and didn’t fit in so I would start packing my things while crying my eyes out. I still feel the same to this day. It really hurts to feel this insecure in a place that should feel safe for me. I knew I never fitted into this family but I thought I would do eventually. I guess I was wrong. I feel like I’m being shoved into the cupboard under the stairs out of the way. Ignored by people who I thought were meant to care and they do show a little bit of interest, its too late and I am already hurt by their rejection.
It is amazing that I have lasted this long with everything that I am feeling. I would have run away by now if I had somewhere to go. But I don’t so it looks like I am stuck here till I eventually get enough money together to get a place to live that ISN’T with my parents. But with things like they are at the moment it doesn’t like I am going to go anywhere with the amount of money that I have at the moment. For anything I try to plan to get myself back on my feet, my stupid emotions get in the ****ing way and I left in a pile of crap on the floor just left alone to sort itself out without anyone’s help.
I could really do with someone to talk to about this but at the same time who the hell do I talk to? I really don’t know who is willing to put up with my mental instability.
Recently I have been feeling really, really down and its hard to pick myself up. Today was the day that my best friend moved down to Plymouth where I want to live next year. But I can’t help but feel abandoned because now the only people I know here are my family. None of my friends from high school contact me anymore so I am more or less alone here.
I can’t talk to Eddie as much as I want to but it is not his fault and I will never blame him. I am finding it a little difficult to cope with things. I try not to bottle things up but it seems that is all I can do in this situation. Its better to not let anyone worry about me as it will only make things worse. I know people may not agree but when you’re in this kind of situation hopefully you will understand.
Recently I have been trying to talk to my mother about things with Eddie and how I would like them to go but sometimes it is really hard to talk to her about it. Once she even said that I should find someone else who lives in the UK. That really hurt when she said it with a straight face. This is isn’t the first time she has said it either. She doesn’t seem to understand how I feel about it and trying to get her to see that is near impossible. Last night I even mentioned that next year I might get married and she flipped and said “No your not!” it was like I was a child again being controlled by my parents who never understand me. She said I didn’t know Ed well enough for that. She knows full well I have known him for almost three years and I would never rush into anything unless I knew it was right. Her negative point of view on my life isn’t helping me at the moment and it sickens me to see her react like this. I thought parents were meant to be happy when their child is truly happy with someone. It shows how far they have progressed. Well that is not my parents at all, they would rather see me suffer than be happy for me. I just hate it here more and more when there are moments like that. I can never talk to my father about things as I know that mum has an influence over him which makes it difficult to ever let him see things from my point of view.
Things at the moment are just hard for me, and seeing as I have glandular fever too which could take up to 12 weeks to fully clear. I am not going to go anywhere any time soon. It is like I am truly stuck here till Eddie gets here. But even then its going to be hard to leave as I don’t have a job, I have fatigue and its really putting me down, I cannot seem to get my self in the right state of mind for anything except to work on my own forum. Otherwise I am completely useless.
Feeling lonely is the worse thing to be feeling at the moment. All I can do is write in this journal in hope of someone who would understand what I feel and help me get back on track. But in the current state of mind I am, that is going to be hard as I just cannot seem to process any thing except the concept of loneliness and hatred for people in the past who have abandoned me.
I am sorry to let this entire side of me out but I need someone else to know what is going on in my head. Thank you for reading anyway, I hope your life is better than mine at the moment.
