right now i am so pissed off at myself. i have been struggling with cutting for the past year i would say. i dont know what the hell to do. my family dont care about me and i know they dont. i dont want no one sympathy i am tired of it. its just i dont know what or why im cutting. i know if my prents find out that they are going to commett me. i do know that i dont want to live at home.
part of the reson i cut is because i punish myself. i am so done with people and there shit.
well i feel like shit. i dont want to be at home any more. i hate being home. no one likes me there. i feel like i let ever one i know down. i can never make any one happy. i am so misrable. my dad is threating to kick me out of the house nothing new there. i dont know what to do in my life. plus its the middle of winter and its really cold. i dont like being cold. i wisht that my dad would quit thouging my cutting in my face. when i did cut they wanted to get me commited. i beged and beged them not to so they didnt. i feel like no one cares about me. why because most people dont care about me.
right now i dont even know if i want to live any more. i dont want to die eather. so i dont know what to do. i am so fed up with the way i am being treadted. its just so hard for me to deal with people because i dont trust many of them.
i wish that mama,david and kris whas still here....they are my ture family. i miss them terribly. i am glad that they are finaly happpy.
i feel like so empty right now. i really wish i had there support in my life but i dont and i have to make the best of my life right now.
i am tired of letting every one down. i just dont know what to do. im done with this hell hole i call earth. i dont know how much more i can take. i know for a fact if i do become homelesss i would kill my self. unless i can some how get to NY. i just dont have any money. the other day my dad keep saying that he hates me and that he wants me to get out of the house. nothing new there. he didnt have to pick me up from the libary if he didnt want me to come home. so what ever. i just dont care any more. maby i am a cold harted bitch.
found out a friend had died about 2 weeks ago. some one had told my sister who told my mom who told me. i have trouble forgetting death like this. i dont know how to explane it. i just wish i would have been there to help. this is the 2nd death this year. ben died over a year ago. i dont want any of my friends to die ever again. i know that its going to happen i just wish people could live for ever and ever.
no one know what its like when most of your chiledhood is plaged with bullies and getting beat up. i have had a enitre school hate me in 6th grade. i used to get beat up all the time. i doubt that i can recover from my past i really dont. i have a lisp. i get made fun of because i talk funny. even my own family makes fun of me some times. in 6th grade i made a bomb threat cuz i couldt take it no more. i was lucky. i never am going to do that again.when i found the internet it was a dream come true. i had "friends" for the first time. no one has ever juged me when i have been online. its hard when you can rember allmost every bad thing that has happed. id rather die then go though some of the shit that i went though. my rentz dont understand that im a recluse. i hate going out side. im affrade to aproce people and talk to them. i wish i was skinny and prity. then maby guys would talk to me. i am a fat and ugly person that cant talk right. i rally dont want any ones simpathy that is the last thing i want right now. i just need to get some things off my chest. im never goning to have a boyfriend. i dont belive in love. i wish that people would quit telling me that i will find love. i wont cuz i dont go no where and no guys will ever talk to me. id like to curl up in to a ball and die. i dont even take regection well. how would i know if a guy askes me out if its not a joke. i wish that i could trust people i just cant. i dont even know what trust means. the only person that talkes to me online is SA and some one from AO. solking sazzy and scott. barly talk to me. i dont know kyle that well. right now i dont even think that we are friends. i just want to quit going on AO and ZA all to gether and get a new msn messinger account and not add any one that i used to talk to. real friends and and online friends are 2 different things to me. i got more online friends then reall friends. the only real friend i got is ashley. she has not turned her back on me yet. she has been my friend sence i moved. so its been about 6 years. give or take a year. i just wish that things were different between me and patricia. i know she will never for give me. oh well what can i do she told me never to talk to her again. i hate confrontaions. so yea i have been burned by people that i have trusted.some day i want to have a big wedding. i allrady have it all planed out. well i want to get marred on haloween.my dress is going to be orange and black so will the tux. i want to have orange and black roses. our honny moon will be in japan or hawii. i want to have a huge wedding. eather that or a horror wedding. im just weird like that. anyway im still glad to be alive. i dont know what got into me when i said that i wanted to kill myself. After reading one of solking's blogs i agree with him suicide is the easy way out and it is for pussys. i know life is not easy. "what dont kill you makes you stronger" That is my motto. i just wish that my life was easyer then it has been. i wish that my dad didnt have a drinking problem and i wish that my mom didnt smoke pot. also wish that my rents didnt treat my sister like the golden child. i hate being treaded like im stupid. for some reason that is all the people treat me. it sucks because the more i hear it the more i start to belive it. i am a good actor tho.im such a drama queen. because i got a lisp i wont be able to do that carrer. i wish i was a good writer cuz then i would write my own screan play. jk rowling was dirt poor. she wrote the idea for harry potter on napkins. now look she is i think one of the richest ppl in briten. i wish i could meet her. she is like one of my heros. twitch is the other one. he has a toretts syndrom and he has not let that stop him following his drams. and im not going to let my disabilitys stop me. im going to take my past as a lerning exsperince. you know what i for give every one who has hurt me. just thinking about the bad things is not going to change what they did to me. i really need to quit being so negitive. i am a hell of alot happer then what i have been. i wish that i could be a better speller. i just needed to get most of that stuff off my chest cuz it was bugging me. some times i just need to vent my feelings. i dont know why i like to blog so much. But i am excited to be learning HTML. that is something that i have wanted to do for a long time. im learning the basics from a book i checked out from the libary. so im not as stupid as every one things. my gandma dont even know how to do HTML. my and grandma is telling me to do something with computers. what i really want to do is be a web deziner. MCTI only lets you do something from a ****ing IQ test. that is the one thing that pissess me off. they should let you do what ever you want to do. im going to see if i can go to school online while im there. i dont know if im in yet. no one has ever given me the chance to prove that i am smart. i have been called stupid my entire life. things i want to do befor i die. i want to learn how to make siggys and i want to learn how to speak,read and write japanese and i want to learn how to play the drums. then maby i can start a band some day. i also want to tavel the world. so i hope i can make enuf money to do so. the problem with that is i get plain sick danm my week tummy. i want to travel to china,japan,all 50 states and the UK. i got alot of dreams and im the only one that can make thoes dreams come true.does any one got any ideas for a cool tatoo. what ever job i get i am praying that i get to work a night. i could work from 11:00 pm to 3:00 to 4:00 be for i get tired. im more of a night person any way. i hate light. it makes my head hurt.i have never been one to work hard at anyting.im lucky that i even graduated. i allmost didnt. i hate CHS. they dont teach you shit. holy shit the is one long blog. i dont think i have ever writen one this long. well my sissy got a new kittly. kyle is probly happy. he loves kittys and doggys. he is allways loving on my kitty and when tarzan meows he stops looks at him and says huh. its so cute. he can say doggie. what my parents dont know is tat i would not be here if i had a car. i would have left a long time ago. id rather live out of a car then stay here. ulike my rents to me money is not everything. id rather be dirt poor and happy then rich and misrable. i wish i had the balls to leave.im a big frady cat. oh well that me. im afrade of a lot of things. witch is weird cuz i never used to be afrade of some things. i have allways hated spiders and hights. now im affrade of people. im kida shy untill i get to know ya. its wierd. i am thinking about getting rid of my DS. i dont know if i want to tho. that is the only thing i really like to play. it depends on how much money game stop give ya. i really want a naruto head band, they are $20 at hot topic. mmmm.... maby i will get one with my chirstamass money. i was going to use it to go get new glasses i dont know what i want to do. you know the peopele who type what people say in court i think that i could be one of thoes. im not a really good speller. if i get in to micti's and if i graduate im going to go take night classes for computers. that is the one thing i really want to do. i just need some money to do so. i hate having alergies...i get sick and they just dont go away.they blow nuts.
any way i cant stand people who make fun of people becuse of what they look like. and that is what append to me and i think that is why im so bitter. but im happy with the friends that i got. but some times wish i didnt have friedns because they cause to much drama. and i dont like drama. but im happy with the friends that i got. becuse they like me for me. witch is a god thing because im not going to change for no one not even for my self because i wont be true to my self.
